One Dad's Journey

November 2008 - Posts

• Family Traditions: Try Some New Things and See What Sticks

  I’m amazed at the silly things that my kids enjoy and the traditions that developed over the years. Traditions are a great way to anchor your family. They give family members something to look forward to and a sense of consistency and predictability. They demonstrate in a tangible way that no matter what happens in life, our family comes together to enjoy an activity that identifies us as a family. How do traditions start? They are often passed down from parents to children, but they also begin by trying something new to see what sticks. An example of a new family tradition that stuck for our family is something that came to be known as the “Holiday Jammie Run.” We have been doing the “Jammie Run” for the past eight years and our kids make sure the tradition is carried on every year. Here’s how it works. My wife and I pick a night in December after most of the city has put up their holiday lights. Our kids have no idea when it is going to be but they often try to guess. After the kids are in bed, my wife and I get our pajamas on and just before the kids fall asleep, we ring a bell and yell “Jammie Run, Jammie Run, Jammie Run.” We run up the stairs, gather up the kids, and head for the mini-van. We then drive around the neighborhood to look at all the lights “oohing” and “ahhing” the entire way. The drive around town ends with all of us choosing our favorite decorations. Afterwards, we come home and have hot chocolate and doughnuts. And we all love it. Every year early in December we ask the kids if we should do “Jammie Run” this year, and they all yell in unison “Yes.” My wife and I tease them, saying we’re not going to do it this year, and they tell us we better or we’re in big trouble. We wouldn’t think of missing it. Over the years we have told other people about this tradition and quite a few people have begun doing their own “Jammie Runs.” I would love to hear about some of your family traditions. Please share some here. Posted Nov 27 2008, 08:14 PM by Coach Scott with 1 comment(s) Filed under: Family Time, Intentional, Relationships, Fatherhood, Traditions, Holidays

• It's Calendar Time

  My wife and I have discovered one way to reduce our weekly family stress. When our kids were young we started doing a "Sunday Night Calendar Time" where we pulled out our calendars and talked about the activities of the week, who was doing what, who was shuttling which child to soccer practice, what time we would be home from work, etc. As the kids grew older and our lives became even more hectic, this time became even more indispensible. These 15 minutes every Sunday night significantly reduced our stress during the week. We discovered that when we planned the weekly activities and logistics ahead of time, we enjoyed our time together during the week much more. I encourage you to give it a try and let us know how it works. Posted Nov 20 2008, 08:13 AM by Coach Scott with 1 comment(s) Filed under: Family Time, Intentional, Relationships, Fatherhood, Family Schedule

• Spend Some Time at the Daily Grind

  I was talking to a mom the other day and she shared a great tip for connecting with her kids. About twice a month, mom and daughter would leave for school about 20 minutes early and stop at a local coffee shop called the "Daily Grind." Mom had a cup of coffee and daughter had a hot chocolate. They spent some time together talking about whatever came up. There was no agenda and the purpose of their time together was just to be together. It was a great time of connection. The ladies working at the coffee shop knew the two by name and had their morning favorites ready shortly after they sat down. The mom went on to tell me that just the other day, the daughter asked her dad on a Saturday afternoon if he would take her to the coffee shop. Dad was busy doing some work and told his daughter that he was too busy. After a short while, however, he went and found his daughter and said "Hey, let’s go to the coffee shop." And off they went for some special time together. "Way to go dad!" I thought to myself. These parents know the importance of intentionally connecting with their kids. The longer I am a parent, the more I believe it is these small, seemingly insignificant times, that really make a difference in the lives of kids. So think about grabbing a cup of coffee, hot chocolate, ice cream, cheese coney, or malt with your kids.  It will be time well spent. Posted Nov 18 2008, 02:28 PM by Coach Scott with no comments Filed under: Family Time, Intentional, Relationships, Self-Image, Self-Esteem, Fatherhood, Feelings

• Plan to be Spontaneous

  The other night I was driving home from work and I realized that my girls did not have soccer practice, or school activities, or anything else on the calendar. What a rare occurrence! So I pulled into the video store and grabbed a movie called "The Journey to the Center of the Earth." An added bonus was that the movie was 3-D and the video came with 3-D glasses. When I arrived home, I opened the door and announced that it was family movie night tonight. After dinner we popped some popcorn, turned off the lights in the family room, and popped the movie into the DVD player. To my surprise the movie was actually pretty good, but the best part of the night was sharing an evening together as a family. At one point, I stopped watching the movie, and started watching my kids, chomping on their popcorn, snuggling in their blankets, with the clunky 3-D glasses on their face. Then they laughed at something silly in the movie which made me laugh…which made them laugh even more… and then I realized that what a joy it was to hang out with my wife and my daughters and to laugh at a goofy movie. I made a vow to myself right then and there that I am going to be more intentional in my spontaneity. That sounds like an oxymoron, but if there is such a thing as "Jumbo Shrimp" I can figure out how to plan to be spontaneous. I am going to look for opportunities to do things at the spur of the moment, to intentionally keep blocks of time open, and to be vigilant in looking for moments to do fun things as a family. I am going to be very prepared even though I am not sure what I am going to do. I am going to try a lot of different things and see what sticks. I invite you to join me and become more spontaneously intentional, systematically serendipitous, and to practice more planned unpredictability. Posted Nov 13 2008, 04:38 PM by Coach Scott with no comments Filed under: Family Time, Intentional, Relationships, Fatherhood

• Feelings are Meant to Be Felt

  The other day my daughter was upset. She was crying about a situation that happened at school. I felt bad because she felt bad. I didn’t want her to be upset so I began to comfort her. Unfortunately, I found myself telling her not to be upset. I tried to rationalize her out of her feelings, instead of allowing her to feel her feelings. I heard the following words come out of mouth- "Don’t be upset honey. It’s okay. All kids feel that way sometimes…the other kids didn’t mean it. They were just jealous." I said something to that effect. And guess what, it didn’t help. She was upset; she was sad; she wanted someone to listen to her. At that moment she didn’t need me to tell her what to feel and what not to feel. She needed me to listen and to empathize. I wish I could tell you I caught myself and changed the conversation in mid-sentence. But I didn’t. I blew it. I hate to admit that. After all, I teach this stuff as a living. I coach parents to actively listen to their children, to empathize, to allow kids to talk and express how they feel… I missed an opportunity to connect with my daughter, but the good news and I guess the bad news is that she and my other children will experience all kinds of difficult situations and will feel many kinds of emotions. So I will have plenty of opportunities to listen, empathize, and be there for them as they feel their feelings. I invite you to join me in starting afresh every time you don’t handle something quite the way you wish you had. It happens to all of us parents. My goal for my own parenting is to learn and grow as a parent as my kids learn and grow as children. Please feel free to share some of your own stories so we can all learn and grow together. Posted Nov 10 2008, 04:21 PM by Coach Scott with no comments Filed under: Intentional, Relationships, Fatherhood, Feelings

• What's in a Name?

  When my wife and I found out we were going to have a baby, we went out and bought a "Baby Name" book. The name game then began. She liked certain, names. I liked others. We couldn’t use some names because they were names of past boyfriends or girlfriends or didn’t sound right with our last name or just didn’t feel right. After trying on many names for size, we finally narrowed it down to a short list and then our quest finally ended when we agreed on the one perfect name. That was the first part of the name game, but I am now discovering that there is a second part to the process. And this second part is very powerful. It has to do with the other names we use to label our children. Here’s where the powerful part comes in. Are you ready? Children will define themselves and behave in the manner in which they see themselves. If they see themselves as lazy, stupid, or slow they will act that way. If they see themselves as hard working, friendly, or smart they will act that way. They will live up to how they see themselves. And they begin to see themselves and define who they are through how their parents see them. Psychologists call this the "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" but this Dad calls it the process of "connecting the dots." As children grow and develop, they begin to formulate an image of themselves. In other words, they begin to connect the dots and over time a picture emerges. And once that picture emerges, kids spend the rest of their lives "living out" the picture they have of themselves. So part of our job as parents is to be conscious of how we are labeling our children and to be intentional in helping them see themselves as capable, bright, valued individuals with a positive future. One easy strategy I have used with kids and parents in counseling is to create a name acronym for every letter of a child’s name. Each letter is used to describe a positive characteristic they see in their child. Parents then present this to the child and intentionally reinforce those characteristics to support the child in "connecting the dots." Here is an example for the name Jasmine: Joyful Artistic Sincere Motivated Intelligent Nice Entertaining Give it a try and help your child discover "What’s in a Name?" Posted Nov 03 2008, 06:50 AM by Coach Scott with no comments Filed under: Intentional, Relationships, Self-Image, Self-Esteem