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One Dad's Journey

Parent Coach Scott Osterfeld shares personal insights and stories about the adventures of parenting three daughters. Share some tears and laughter with Scott as he gives you a peek inside "One Dad's Journey..."

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February 2009 - Posts

  • Kids- They Sure Can Make You Laugh!

    The following is from an anonymous second grade teacher:
     
    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
    classroom a few years back.  When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.  So I always have a few sessionswith my students.   It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tellis pretty tame.  Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.  And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.   If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome. 

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.  She holds up a snapshot of an infant.  'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' ' First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.  He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'  

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.  The kids are watching her in amazement.  Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 

    'My Dad called the middle wife.  She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.  They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)  'And then, pop!  My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

    'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breath.  They started counting, but never even got past ten.  Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.  He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'  Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.  I'm sure I applauded the loudest. 

    Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

    Enjoy your children and cherish every moment.  They grow up way too fast.  If you blink you might miss it.

     

  • Trash Talkin'

    When my middle daughter found out that I wrote a blog about her older sister, she gave me the look that said, “Are you going to write one about me, too?”  I was one step ahead of her and had a great subject to write about- Trash Talkin’

    Does Trash Talkin’ go on in your family?   You know what I’m talking about- the type of things that siblings say to each other to push each other’s buttons.  “Your breath stinks.  You are so annoying.  You’re a brat.  I’m going to tell on you.  Why do you have to be like that?  Stop acting like a baby.  You’re such a pain.  Tattle Tale!”  And my personal favorite- “Booger Brain!”

    Well, the other night, I overheard some “Trash Talkin” of a different nature.  It happened like this.  My 13 year old daughter Kayte was lying on the coach watching television.  She didn’t feel well and had a cold.  It was her night to take out the trash and my wife gave her a gentle reminder- “Kayte- it’s trash night.” 

    And then it happened.  My 11 year daughter Jessie, unprompted and with a great attitude, said- “I’ll take it out the trash for her Mom.  Kayte doesn’t feel well.”  And she did just that.  She put on her shoes, grabbed her coat, and took out the trash for her older sister.  Rock n Roll!  I love that kind of Trash Talkin’.  I was so happy and I lavished praise on Jessie for her unselfish act of service.  I wanted her to know that I was proud of her and that her positive behavior did not go unnoticed.

    This experience reminded me of the importance of recognizing and reinforcing our kids’ positive behavior.  I call this a “Time-In” as opposed to a “Time-Out.”  If the principle “what gets rewarded gets done” is true, which I believe it is, then I need to spend more time making a big deal about what my kids are doing right as opposed to what they are doing wrong. 

    I want to take this principle one step further and apply its corollary- “take what you can get, closest to what you want” and then nurture that small seed of positive behavior until it blooms.  

    I am looking forward to more of this new type of Trash Talkin’ in my house and you bet I am going to make a big deal of it and give it all the positive attention I can.  

    Great job Jessie!!!! You rock!

  • Hey, My Kids are Listening...Yours Are Too!

    If you are like me, you sometimes wonder if your kids are listening.  You are doing everything you can to teach your kids quality values and you are doing your best to model them.  You go the extra mile… day in and day out. 

    But are your kids internalizing those values as their own?  I often ask that question of myself.  Today I received an answer, and its yes.  I had one of those days that make it all worth it.

    My wife and I believe strongly in serving, giving, and loving others with our time, talents, and treasure.  And we encourage our kids to live out these values in their daily lives. 

    My thirteen year old daughter saved her money to buy a Vera Bradley backpack.  I don’t know if you know what these backpacks are like or how much they cost.  As a dad, I can’t see the attraction or understand the weighty prices of these light weight cloth backpacks, but they are the all the rage.  

    Anyway, my daughter saved up her money and bought a pretty blue one with an attractive pattern.  The other day she was talking with her soccer coach who mentioned that she was thinking of getting a Vera Bradley pack back.  My daughter came home and told us about the conversation with her coach and that she wanted to give her backpack away.  And that is exactly what she did.  She gave her coach the backpack and insisted that she keep it.  Fortunately, her soccer coach understood the importance of allowing kids to experience the joy of giving and she graciously accepted the gift.  The smile on my daughter’s face when she told us about giving away her backpack was one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. 

    Your kids are listening.  Don’t give up.  Keep going that extra mile with your kids even though you will often find yourself running alone during those extra laps. 

    It will be worth it.  Thank you Vera!

  • Close your Eyes...and Remember

    Someone shared the following essay with me the other day and made me stop and reflect on my own childhood and the memories I wanted to help create for my children. 

    Close your eyes… And go back. 

    Go back
    …Before the Internet or PC or the MAC…
    …Before semi-automatics and crack…
    …Before Playstation, Sega, Super Nintendo, even before Atari…
    …Before cell phones, CD’s, DVD’s, voicemail, and e-mail…
    …Go way back…way…way…way back…

    I’m talkin’ about hide and seek at dusk, Red light Green light, Red Rover…Red Rover, playing kickball and dodge ball until the street light came on, Ring around the Rosie, London Bridges, Hot Potato, Hop Scotch, Jump Rope.

    You’re it!

    When parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home- no pagers or cell phones.

    Seeing shapes in the clouds, endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open, and the sound of crickets.

    Running through the sprinkler, cereal boxes with the GREAT prize in the bottom,Popsicles with two sticks you could break and share one with a friend.

    Watchin’ Saturday morning cartoons like Tom and Jerry, Captain Midnight, Long Ranger, and Popeye.

    Catchin’ lightning bugs in a jar, climbin’ trees, the first day of school, bedtime prayers and good night kisses.

    Swinging as high as you could in the swings trying to touch the sky, a million mosquito bites and sticky fingers, jumpin’ down the steps, jumpin’ on the bed, pillow fights, and laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

    Blowing Kool- Aid out of your nose.

    When work meant taking out the garbage, cutting the grass, washing the car, or doing the dishes.

    Rainy days at school and the smell of damp concrete and chalk erasers.

    Drinking from the garden hose and giving your friends a ride on the handlebars of your bike.  Attaching pieces of cardboard to your bike frame to rub against your spokes, wearing your new shoes on the first day of school, and class field trips with soggy sandwiches.

    When decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo” and mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming “do over!”

    When “race issues” meant arguing about who ran the fastest and the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. 

    Nobody was prettier than mom and scrapes on the knee were made better by her kiss.

    Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true and talents were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”

    Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles and when water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

    Do you remembe those days and those nights?

    Oh, how fast time goes.  Sometimes the days are long but the years are short.  Don’t let it slip by.  Go and grab your kids… and play Red Rover, have a pillow fight, spin around until you fall down, play hop scotch, or blow some Kool-Aid out of your nose. 

    Grape is my favorite…

  • Father's Find their Way Back Home in the Middle of the Day

    Lisa Belkin from the NY Times in her blog Motherlode has written on the recent social phenomenon of men becoming the primary caregivers of their children through their own personal choice or through the economic consequence of corporate downsizing and layoffs.   Very shortly, if not already, more than 50% of our nation’s jobs will be held by women.

    For many men, and for many women, and for many children, the recent trend of men taking on more of the primary caregiving is met with much trepidation.  How is our family going to change?  How are we going to cope?  How are we going to do this?  Can Dad do this? 

    Since Rosie Riveter has made her mark during World War II, women have met great success in the marketplace, as well as in the market.  The ball is now being thrown back to the men to see if they can extend their success to the market, as well as in the marketplace.

    Can men rise up to this challenge?  Sure, but it is going to be an adjustment.  Here are a few tips for families to maximize their success during this transition:

    1.  Be intentional about developing a family plan and vision.  It is important that moms, dads, and children talk openly about their new roles and responsibilities and be proactive in deciding what changes are going to take place.

    2.  Keep the communication lines open.  Talk regular as a family and as partners about how things are going, problems you are experiencing, and how things can be enhanced.

    3.  Realize that change is difficult and stressful.  Do things to take care of yourself and each other.

    4.  Realize that a man’s identity, rightly or wrongly (no judgment here), is closely tied to his work and vocation.  Many men may experience depression, fear, anger, and confusion when losing a job.

    5.  Realize that when people take on new roles and responsibilities there will be a learning curve and people will not do things the same.  Focus on the outcomes and not necessarily the process of getting things done. 

    These are just a few ideas and tips.  Please share some of your ideas here to help moms, dads, and kids who are experiencing this challenge.

  • You have a Built in Strength Detector

    In several of my other blogs,

    Turn on the Flashlight and Find the Treasure

    Life Lessons from Unlikely Sources:  A Frog and Scorpion

    Don't Overlook the Gifts

    I explored the importance of finding and building on the gifts of our children.  Our kids form of an image of themselves based on the feedback they receive from those around them, primarily and most powerfully from their parents.  In a very real sense, we are their mirror and we construct a reflection that becomes internalized by our children.   Therefore, it is critical that we reflect their gifts and strengths back to them so they see themselves as strong, gifted, valuable, and worthwhile. 

    A priority of our parenting is to point out and label the gifts we see emerging in our children.  The good news is that we have a part of our brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) that helps us to do this exact thing.  Let me explain how it works.

    The RAS acts as a kind of filter that helps us catch things that we have decided to look for and helps us ignore things that do not matter.  Because there is so much stimuli in our environment, we need this system in order to survive and weed out bits of information are not important.   For example, let’s say you are looking to purchase a used car.  Once you make that decision, it seems like suddenly you start noticing things related to car sales.  You see car ads in the paper, cars for sale sitting in parking lots, books about cars, conversations people are having about cars, and anything to do with cars.  Your brain starts to look for these things and picks them out automatically, virtually on a subconscious level.  All those things about cars were there before; you were just not attuned to them.

    The RAS can also help you search for the gifts and strengths in your children.  Once you make the decision to actively point out, label, and reinforce your children’s strengths, they will start popping out all over the place. 

    I encourage you to make a decision to begin looking for the gifts in your kids and put your Reticular Activating System to the test.  It works. 

    Give it a try and let us know what happens.

  • A Valentine's Day Lesson from Timmy

    I would like to share a story I heard many years ago that made an impression on my life.  It's about a seven year old boy named Timmy.

    One day after school Timmy told his mother that his class was having a Valentine’s Day Party the following day, and he wanted to make special Valentine’s for all the kids in his class.  His mother let out an inaudible sigh as she looked down at her sweet boy.  She was worried about him.  He was not a popular kid.  He was very skinny with freckles and very uncoordinated.  The other children often teased him on the playground and on the school bus.   She was afraid he would make all these valentines for the other kids but his kindness would not be returned.

    Timmy, however, was set on making the Valentines and his mother’s worries remained unsaid.  So together they pulled out the construction paper, crayons, scissors, glue, and lace.  For several hours Timmy and his mother went down the class list and made valentines for every child listed.  Timmy painstakenly addressed each envelope with a red crayon, and when they were through, stacked them all neatly in a shoebox.  There were twenty-six envelopes in all.

    The next morning she said good-bye to her son as he walked to catch the bus, his shoebox tucked snugly under his arm.  All day she worried about him, picturing him sitting at his desk with no Valentines of his own to open.  She made his favorite chocolate chip cookies for him.  Hopefully, they would cheer him up.

    She watched the clock in the den and she watched the road for her son.  After just a moment longer, she saw him walking up the drive-way with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his coat, the valentine box no where to be seen.  “What a strong boy,” she thought to herself.  As he entered through the door, he looked right at her with his big brown eyes and said, “Not a one Mom, not a one.”  She called him to her.  As he walked across the room, for the second time he said, “Not a one mom, not a single one.”  Her heart was breaking.  When he got to her, she scooped him up and hugged him tightly to her chest.  She then heard him say as he looked at her with a big smile, “Not a one Mom.  I didn’t forget a single one.  I gave every boy and girl in my class a Valentine.  And the loved 'em”

    He then broke the embrace, grabbed a cookie, and as he ran to play his new video game, he yelled over his shoulder, “What’s for dinner Mom?”

    Timmy is my hero.  He knows the secret to life.  It is in the giving that brings us the greatest joy. 

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  • Where have all the Hero's Gone? The Story of Bethany Hamilton

    I’m on a quest to find people who demonstrate extraordinary qualities so I can share their life stories with my children.  You have probably heard of this hero.  Her name is Bethany Hamilton and she is a surfer.  She began surfing at age 4 and she won her first surfing competition at age 8.  At age 10 she placed 1st in the “11 and under girls,” 1st in the “15 and under girls,” and 2nd in the “12 and under boys” divisions. 

    She was well on her way to become a pro surfer when on a sunny day in the fall of 2003; she came face to face with a 14 foot tiger shark.  The shark took her entire arm in one bite but it could not touch her spirit.  Bethany not only survived the attack, she was determined that she would surf again… with one arm. 

    Within 10 weeks of the attack, she was back on her board surfing.  I can’t imagine the fear she must have experienced getting back in the water, but she faced her fear and overcame her physical disability with courage and determination.  When asked how she handled her fear, she replied, “by singing and praying when I was out in the water.” 

    Less than a year from the attack, Bethany placed 5th at the National Surfing Championship and placed 1st at the Hawaii National Scholastic Surfing Association.  In 2004 she was recognized by ESPN and received an ESPY award for the comeback athlete of the year. 

    Bethany Hamilton is an inspiration and an example of courage, determination, and faith  Learn more about Bethany and share her story with your kids.

    Where have all the hero’s gone?  Well, one of them is surfing…

     I am off to find some more heroes.  If you know of any please share them here.