One Dad's Journey

In the news, we often here of young people getting in trouble, committing crimes, and generally going down the wrong path in life.  However, there are so many young people out there that are examples to other kids as well as to adults that are doing great things.  I recently heard of 12 year old named Bilaal Rajan from Ontario Canada who is a shining light to all who come into contact with him.    Bilaal is a published author, a motivational speaker, and the children’s ambassador for UNICEF Canada.  His most recent cause is raising awareness for those around the world who live in such poverty that they cannot afford to buy shoes.  To raise awareness, he is going barefoot for an entire day and is encouraging others to go barefoot for an hour one day to draw attention to the plight of the poverty stricken around the world.

Some people might say, what can one kid do?  Well, Bilaal has raised millions of dollars already in his short life.  He began his fundraising at the age of 4 by selling oranges for people in Gujarat India who experienced the devastation of an earthquake.  He raised $350.00.  At the age of 8, he raised over $50,000 for children affected by a tsunami in Southeast Asia.

When asked about what he would tell other kids about how they can make a difference, he said, “take the opportunity to make a difference in this world. Take action with small baby steps and you will be surprised what a difference you have made.”

Thank you Bilaal for being an example to us all.

We have checklists for all kinds of things, so how about a daily checklist for parenting.  In thinking of the ten most important things to do everyday with my three children, I came up with the following “To Do” List:

□  Hug them
□  Look them in the eye when they are talking to me
□  Point out something they are doing right
□  Thank them for being my children
□  Communicate to them what I like about them
□  Listen to them and reflect back what they are saying to make sure I understand
□  Do something with them that they enjoy just for fun
□  Tell them I love them always and forever no matter what
□  Tuck them in a night
□  Pray for them

I better get busy.  What would be on your list?

Kids have so much stuff today.   Their rooms and closets are filled with games, books, dolls, CD’s, computers, iPods, televisions, name brand clothes, and more.  In addition to their stuff, they have lots of other stuff that fills their days- like soccer practice, ballet, cub scouts, baseball, girl scouts, volleyball, gymnastics and every other activity one can imagine. 

Kids are so busy these days and have so many things to do, but I am thinking that this whirlwind may not be so good. 

I read a quote the other day from Mac Anderson and Lance Wubbels’ book To a Child Love is Spelled T-I-M-E.  It touched my heart and stirred my spirit. 

The quote read -“To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you might just be the world.”

There is nothing inherently wrong with stuff or activities, but I think kids need less stuff and more you.  What kids need is time with their mom and dad, hanging out, having fun, with no schedule, no plan, and no whirlwind.

So consider this year giving your child the best gift in the world- Time with you!

You may not recognize the name of Kyle Maynard, but if you have seen his story on an ESPN television special or read about him in a magazine or book, you will never forget this young man.  I first read about him in a book called, “Finish Strong” by Dan Green. 

Kyle began wrestling in the sixth grade and he lost his first 35 matches in a row.  Maybe his body wasn’t built for wrestling.  Perhaps it was true, but his heart refused to listen.  Kyle was a warrior.  He began training with weights and learned wresting moves that uniquely lent themselves to his individualized strengths.  During his senior year, he won 35 times and qualified for the George High School Wrestling Championship.  He won his first three matches at State, and faced his final opponent with a broken nose.  He lost… the wrestling match, but he won much more- the courage and faith to rise above all adversity. 

Kyle Maynard was born with incomplete arms and legs.  His arms ended at his elbows and his legs ended at his knees.  Kyle and his family refused to set limits on him.  His grandmother often took him to the grocery store and told him to sit up straight and look people in the eye and smile.  Kyle played football and hockey, but his sport of choice became wrestling which put him more on an equal playing field. 

Kyle now attends the University of Georgia and he still wrestles, but he does so much more…  He motivates a whole generation of people and teaches us courage, tenacity, hard work, and faith.  And in that book, that makes him a hero.

I can’t wait to share the story of Kyle with my daughters.  How about you?

Kids are naturally intuitive and inquisitive about what is going on around them, and that includes your state of mind and stress level when it comes to your family finances.  Every where you turn, whether on the radio, television, or at your kids’ soccer games, people are talking about the economic situation we are in.  Many parents are asking about what and how much they should communicate with their children.  As parents, you know your kids best, but here are a few guidelines and tips for talking to your kids about the economy:

1. Take a long term perspective and utilize how your family is affected by the economy as a learning opportunity to teach your children how to handle life.  Remind yourself that your children are watching how you handle the stress and crises of life.  If you handle them with character, grace, and maturity, they will emulate this in their own life. 
   
   
2. Use this opportunity to teach your kids about a budget.   Sit them down and explain income and expenses.  Take a look at a typical month for your family and talk about the different expenses you have as a family (i.e., food, mortgage or rent payment, entertainment, electric, gas).  Depending on the age of your children, you can be very general or very specific.  Explain that mom and/or dad get paid a certain amount of money for working, and as family it is important not to spend more than you earn.
   
   
3. Talk about the difference between necessities and luxuries.  Draw two columns on a piece of paper and use one column to list the necessities of life (i.e., food, shelter, gas for the car) and the other column to list luxuries (i.e., vacations, eating out, membership to the pool).  Ask your kids for examples and discuss each one.
   
   
4. Talk about choices and consequences.  Remember you are taking a long term perspective and are teaching your kids about life, so even if you have made some bad choices, talk about the consequences you are experiencing.  Talk about them in a manner that is appropriate to your children’s age and maturity.  Be careful not to frighten them with issues or concerns that are clearly not child-appropriate. 
   
   
5. Include your kids in discussions of cutting back on expenses.  As a family, brainstorm ways that each member of the family can cut back.  Examples may include going camping on vacation instead of going on a long trip, mom or dad packing their lunch instead of going out to eat, going to the library to check out DVD’s instead of renting them at the video store, buying clothes at a thrift shop, buying generic items instead of brand names, and staying home playing games instead of going out to the movies.
   
   
6. Communicate to your children that you are going to take care of them and reassure them that everything is going to be okay, even if changes have to be made in your family’s life.  If you need emotional support during this time, find other adults that can provide that support and be careful not to burden your children with adult worries.
   
   
7. Use this as a time to help others by donating clothes to a local Goodwill, volunteering at church, school, or community outreach programs to help needy families, or serving others in some capacity. 

Pulling together as a family and as a community can bring many rewards and blessings that we do not expect.  I encourage you to step back and reflect on what’s important in life such as being together, helping others, and living with honor and integrity through difficult times.   Families can get through these difficult economic times and can come out stronger in the end. 

I heard a story the other day about a man who figured out that if the average person lives to 75 years of age, he or she would have 3900 Saturdays in a lifetime.  To remind himself about the importance of spending his life and his “Saturdays” doing important things with those he loved, he calculated how many Saturdays he had left. 

When he had this “aha” moment, he was fifty-five years old.  He figured that if made it to seventy-five years of age, he would have approximately 1000 Saturdays left.  To remind himself of this, he went out and bought 1000 marbles and put them in a big jar (He had to go to three different toy stores to find enough). 

From that day on, every Saturday evening when he turned in for the night, he took one marble out and threw it away.  This simple act of throwing out the marble revolutionized his life.  He began to spend more time with his wife, his kids, and his grandkids.  He was more intentional with his discretionary time.  He pursued hobbies, relationships, and forgiveness.  He lived more fully and loved more completely.  And when he threw away that last marble midway through his seventy-fifth year, he looked at every day as a gift and received it with joy and gratitude. 

This story affected me profoundly.  I realized that “it is much later than I thought.”  I dug out my calculator from my briefcase and calculated that I have 228 Saturdays remaining until my oldest daughter turns 18.  It is going so quickly. 

The question I need to ask myself is how I’m going to spend those remaining 228 Saturdays.   And I am going to ask you, how are you going to spend yours? 

The saying, “Don’t lose your marbles” suddenly has taken on new meaning for me.  I hope it has for you as well…

The following is from an anonymous second grade teacher:
 
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.  When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.  So I always have a few sessionswith my students.   It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tellis pretty tame.  Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.  And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.   If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome. 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.  She holds up a snapshot of an infant.  'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' ' First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.  He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'  

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.  The kids are watching her in amazement.  Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 

'My Dad called the middle wife.  She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.  They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)  'And then, pop!  My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breath.  They started counting, but never even got past ten.  Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.  He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'  Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.  I'm sure I applauded the loudest. 

Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Enjoy your children and cherish every moment.  They grow up way too fast.  If you blink you might miss it.

When my middle daughter found out that I wrote a blog about her older sister, she gave me the look that said, “Are you going to write one about me, too?”  I was one step ahead of her and had a great subject to write about- Trash Talkin’

Does Trash Talkin’ go on in your family?   You know what I’m talking about- the type of things that siblings say to each other to push each other’s buttons.  “Your breath stinks.  You are so annoying.  You’re a brat.  I’m going to tell on you.  Why do you have to be like that?  Stop acting like a baby.  You’re such a pain.  Tattle Tale!”  And my personal favorite- “Booger Brain!”

Well, the other night, I overheard some “Trash Talkin” of a different nature.  It happened like this.  My 13 year old daughter Kayte was lying on the coach watching television.  She didn’t feel well and had a cold.  It was her night to take out the trash and my wife gave her a gentle reminder- “Kayte- it’s trash night.” 

And then it happened.  My 11 year daughter Jessie, unprompted and with a great attitude, said- “I’ll take it out the trash for her Mom.  Kayte doesn’t feel well.”  And she did just that.  She put on her shoes, grabbed her coat, and took out the trash for her older sister.  Rock n Roll!  I love that kind of Trash Talkin’.  I was so happy and I lavished praise on Jessie for her unselfish act of service.  I wanted her to know that I was proud of her and that her positive behavior did not go unnoticed.

This experience reminded me of the importance of recognizing and reinforcing our kids’ positive behavior.  I call this a “Time-In” as opposed to a “Time-Out.”  If the principle “what gets rewarded gets done” is true, which I believe it is, then I need to spend more time making a big deal about what my kids are doing right as opposed to what they are doing wrong. 

I want to take this principle one step further and apply its corollary- “take what you can get, closest to what you want” and then nurture that small seed of positive behavior until it blooms.  

I am looking forward to more of this new type of Trash Talkin’ in my house and you bet I am going to make a big deal of it and give it all the positive attention I can.  

Great job Jessie!!!! You rock!

If you are like me, you sometimes wonder if your kids are listening.  You are doing everything you can to teach your kids quality values and you are doing your best to model them.  You go the extra mile… day in and day out. 

But are your kids internalizing those values as their own?  I often ask that question of myself.  Today I received an answer, and its yes.  I had one of those days that make it all worth it.

My wife and I believe strongly in serving, giving, and loving others with our time, talents, and treasure.  And we encourage our kids to live out these values in their daily lives. 

My thirteen year old daughter saved her money to buy a Vera Bradley backpack.  I don’t know if you know what these backpacks are like or how much they cost.  As a dad, I can’t see the attraction or understand the weighty prices of these light weight cloth backpacks, but they are the all the rage.  

Anyway, my daughter saved up her money and bought a pretty blue one with an attractive pattern.  The other day she was talking with her soccer coach who mentioned that she was thinking of getting a Vera Bradley pack back.  My daughter came home and told us about the conversation with her coach and that she wanted to give her backpack away.  And that is exactly what she did.  She gave her coach the backpack and insisted that she keep it.  Fortunately, her soccer coach understood the importance of allowing kids to experience the joy of giving and she graciously accepted the gift.  The smile on my daughter’s face when she told us about giving away her backpack was one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. 

Your kids are listening.  Don’t give up.  Keep going that extra mile with your kids even though you will often find yourself running alone during those extra laps. 

It will be worth it.  Thank you Vera!

Someone shared the following essay with me the other day and made me stop and reflect on my own childhood and the memories I wanted to help create for my children. 

Close your eyes… And go back. 

Go back
…Before the Internet or PC or the MAC…
…Before semi-automatics and crack…
…Before Playstation, Sega, Super Nintendo, even before Atari…
…Before cell phones, CD’s, DVD’s, voicemail, and e-mail…
…Go way back…way…way…way back…

I’m talkin’ about hide and seek at dusk, Red light Green light, Red Rover…Red Rover, playing kickball and dodge ball until the street light came on, Ring around the Rosie, London Bridges, Hot Potato, Hop Scotch, Jump Rope.

You’re it!

When parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home- no pagers or cell phones.

Seeing shapes in the clouds, endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open, and the sound of crickets.

Running through the sprinkler, cereal boxes with the GREAT prize in the bottom,Popsicles with two sticks you could break and share one with a friend.

Watchin’ Saturday morning cartoons like Tom and Jerry, Captain Midnight, Long Ranger, and Popeye.

Catchin’ lightning bugs in a jar, climbin’ trees, the first day of school, bedtime prayers and good night kisses.

Swinging as high as you could in the swings trying to touch the sky, a million mosquito bites and sticky fingers, jumpin’ down the steps, jumpin’ on the bed, pillow fights, and laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

Blowing Kool- Aid out of your nose.

When work meant taking out the garbage, cutting the grass, washing the car, or doing the dishes.

Rainy days at school and the smell of damp concrete and chalk erasers.

Drinking from the garden hose and giving your friends a ride on the handlebars of your bike.  Attaching pieces of cardboard to your bike frame to rub against your spokes, wearing your new shoes on the first day of school, and class field trips with soggy sandwiches.

When decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo” and mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming “do over!”

When “race issues” meant arguing about who ran the fastest and the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. 

Nobody was prettier than mom and scrapes on the knee were made better by her kiss.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true and talents were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles and when water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Do you remembe those days and those nights?

Oh, how fast time goes.  Sometimes the days are long but the years are short.  Don’t let it slip by.  Go and grab your kids… and play Red Rover, have a pillow fight, spin around until you fall down, play hop scotch, or blow some Kool-Aid out of your nose. 

Grape is my favorite…

Lisa Belkin from the NY Times in her blog Motherlode has written on the recent social phenomenon of men becoming the primary caregivers of their children through their own personal choice or through the economic consequence of corporate downsizing and layoffs.   Very shortly, if not already, more than 50% of our nation’s jobs will be held by women.

For many men, and for many women, and for many children, the recent trend of men taking on more of the primary caregiving is met with much trepidation.  How is our family going to change?  How are we going to cope?  How are we going to do this?  Can Dad do this? 

Since Rosie Riveter has made her mark during World War II, women have met great success in the marketplace, as well as in the market.  The ball is now being thrown back to the men to see if they can extend their success to the market, as well as in the marketplace.

Can men rise up to this challenge?  Sure, but it is going to be an adjustment.  Here are a few tips for families to maximize their success during this transition:

1.  Be intentional about developing a family plan and vision.  It is important that moms, dads, and children talk openly about their new roles and responsibilities and be proactive in deciding what changes are going to take place.

2.  Keep the communication lines open.  Talk regular as a family and as partners about how things are going, problems you are experiencing, and how things can be enhanced.

3.  Realize that change is difficult and stressful.  Do things to take care of yourself and each other.

4.  Realize that a man’s identity, rightly or wrongly (no judgment here), is closely tied to his work and vocation.  Many men may experience depression, fear, anger, and confusion when losing a job.

5.  Realize that when people take on new roles and responsibilities there will be a learning curve and people will not do things the same.  Focus on the outcomes and not necessarily the process of getting things done. 

These are just a few ideas and tips.  Please share some of your ideas here to help moms, dads, and kids who are experiencing this challenge.

In several of my other blogs,

Turn on the Flashlight and Find the Treasure

Life Lessons from Unlikely Sources:  A Frog and Scorpion

Don't Overlook the Gifts

I explored the importance of finding and building on the gifts of our children.  Our kids form of an image of themselves based on the feedback they receive from those around them, primarily and most powerfully from their parents.  In a very real sense, we are their mirror and we construct a reflection that becomes internalized by our children.   Therefore, it is critical that we reflect their gifts and strengths back to them so they see themselves as strong, gifted, valuable, and worthwhile. 

A priority of our parenting is to point out and label the gifts we see emerging in our children.  The good news is that we have a part of our brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) that helps us to do this exact thing.  Let me explain how it works.

The RAS acts as a kind of filter that helps us catch things that we have decided to look for and helps us ignore things that do not matter.  Because there is so much stimuli in our environment, we need this system in order to survive and weed out bits of information are not important.   For example, let’s say you are looking to purchase a used car.  Once you make that decision, it seems like suddenly you start noticing things related to car sales.  You see car ads in the paper, cars for sale sitting in parking lots, books about cars, conversations people are having about cars, and anything to do with cars.  Your brain starts to look for these things and picks them out automatically, virtually on a subconscious level.  All those things about cars were there before; you were just not attuned to them.

The RAS can also help you search for the gifts and strengths in your children.  Once you make the decision to actively point out, label, and reinforce your children’s strengths, they will start popping out all over the place. 

I encourage you to make a decision to begin looking for the gifts in your kids and put your Reticular Activating System to the test.  It works. 

Give it a try and let us know what happens.

I would like to share a story I heard many years ago that made an impression on my life.  It's about a seven year old boy named Timmy.

One day after school Timmy told his mother that his class was having a Valentine’s Day Party the following day, and he wanted to make special Valentine’s for all the kids in his class.  His mother let out an inaudible sigh as she looked down at her sweet boy.  She was worried about him.  He was not a popular kid.  He was very skinny with freckles and very uncoordinated.  The other children often teased him on the playground and on the school bus.   She was afraid he would make all these valentines for the other kids but his kindness would not be returned.

Timmy, however, was set on making the Valentines and his mother’s worries remained unsaid.  So together they pulled out the construction paper, crayons, scissors, glue, and lace.  For several hours Timmy and his mother went down the class list and made valentines for every child listed.  Timmy painstakenly addressed each envelope with a red crayon, and when they were through, stacked them all neatly in a shoebox.  There were twenty-six envelopes in all.

The next morning she said good-bye to her son as he walked to catch the bus, his shoebox tucked snugly under his arm.  All day she worried about him, picturing him sitting at his desk with no Valentines of his own to open.  She made his favorite chocolate chip cookies for him.  Hopefully, they would cheer him up.

She watched the clock in the den and she watched the road for her son.  After just a moment longer, she saw him walking up the drive-way with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his coat, the valentine box no where to be seen.  “What a strong boy,” she thought to herself.  As he entered through the door, he looked right at her with his big brown eyes and said, “Not a one Mom, not a one.”  She called him to her.  As he walked across the room, for the second time he said, “Not a one mom, not a single one.”  Her heart was breaking.  When he got to her, she scooped him up and hugged him tightly to her chest.  She then heard him say as he looked at her with a big smile, “Not a one Mom.  I didn’t forget a single one.  I gave every boy and girl in my class a Valentine.  And the loved 'em”

He then broke the embrace, grabbed a cookie, and as he ran to play his new video game, he yelled over his shoulder, “What’s for dinner Mom?”

Timmy is my hero.  He knows the secret to life.  It is in the giving that brings us the greatest joy. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’m on a quest to find people who demonstrate extraordinary qualities so I can share their life stories with my children.  You have probably heard of this hero.  Her name is Bethany Hamilton and she is a surfer.  She began surfing at age 4 and she won her first surfing competition at age 8.  At age 10 she placed 1st in the “11 and under girls,” 1st in the “15 and under girls,” and 2nd in the “12 and under boys” divisions. 

She was well on her way to become a pro surfer when on a sunny day in the fall of 2003; she came face to face with a 14 foot tiger shark.  The shark took her entire arm in one bite but it could not touch her spirit.  Bethany not only survived the attack, she was determined that she would surf again… with one arm. 

Within 10 weeks of the attack, she was back on her board surfing.  I can’t imagine the fear she must have experienced getting back in the water, but she faced her fear and overcame her physical disability with courage and determination.  When asked how she handled her fear, she replied, “by singing and praying when I was out in the water.” 

Less than a year from the attack, Bethany placed 5th at the National Surfing Championship and placed 1st at the Hawaii National Scholastic Surfing Association.  In 2004 she was recognized by ESPN and received an ESPY award for the comeback athlete of the year. 

Bethany Hamilton is an inspiration and an example of courage, determination, and faith  Learn more about Bethany and share her story with your kids.

Where have all the hero’s gone?  Well, one of them is surfing…

 I am off to find some more heroes.  If you know of any please share them here.

Kids emulate those around them as they begin to explore who they are, what they value, and who they want to become.  They become enamored by the popular and the famous- the pro sports stars on the television, the cool rockers on the stage, and the good looking people on the cover of magazines. 

Kids can be found playing in the backyard pretending to be the Super Bowl wide receiver that catches the winning touchdown with two seconds left in the game.  They pretend to be on stage with their favorite teen idol, singing into a hairbrush as they jump on their beds.  They talk, dress, and act like their favorite musical, screen, and sports personalities.

It is all in good fun, but when I stop to think about it, if I had a choice of who I would want my kids to admire and emulate, what qualities would those people possess?  Would they have integrity, perseverance, character, love, forgiveness, and charity…?

Then I looked at the people on the public stage, as well as looked at the man in the mirror, and I asked, “Where have all the heroes gone?”   

I was reminded that I need to make sure I embody the characters and values I want my children to have, and that is a very sobering thought.  But it is also a liberating one, because there are many things in life I cannot control, however, the one thing I can always control are my words and my actions. 

I can be an effective role model.  I can be someone they look up to.  I can embody the values I want them to have.  I can walk the talk.  I can influence their future, by what I do today.  In short, I can be a hero to my children.  And so can you. 

I invite you to join me in figuring this parenting thing out because parenting isn’t easy and it isn’t for cowards.  It’s for Heroes…

Please stay tuned for future blogs, where we will explore this concept and others in more detail.  And as always share you thoughts and ideas.

Where have all the heroes gone?  They are right here reading these words…