It is human nature to want to feel connected to other human beings. People of all ages just feel more solid and secure when healthy connections are established and maintained. When we interact with others, the way we interact and respond to them can make us feel closer (more connected) to them or farther apart (disconnected).
I have been journaling on a daily basis, at the end of the day, what the happiest part of my day was. Most of the entries have to do with a time in which I felt connected to another person(s). Throughout the day, my four-year-old can present frequent surprises from deciding he wants to “clean” with a rag dipped in the toilet to wapping his brother or sister upside the head (we continue to work on positive ways of seeking attention). The day-to-day challenges can wear on a parent and certainly make you want to disconnect at times.
However, when I read back on those happy journal entries, so many of them involved that same four-year-old. I smile every time I re-read them. We walked into the cold yesterday, and he said to me, “My fire is not burning.” At times like these, it is so easy to connect. I just want to pick him up and give him a big hug.
As a parent coach and a busy mother of three, I have been really thinking about this concept lately. It is just too easy to disconnect, and it takes work to connect. In yoga today, the teacher said at one point, “If you don’t pay attention, your body is going to do what is easiest for it.” What is easiest many times is not what is best. The disconnects are often impulsive reactions that come out when tired, cranky, overscheduled…. – perhaps what is easy for the body and mind- the automatic flight or fight response.
The connections take more intention and energy. It is a choice (and often a challenging one) to put down what you are doing to be fully present with your child (or spouse). It takes a conscious decision to say ‘I am going to start the day off positive with each person’ even on days when you’d rather just crawl back into bed. It is a choice to slow down and replace the initial impulse with the question, “What response will best help my child?”
While it is easier to feel that connection when the kids are sweet and say funny things, it is harder to keep the connection when they do things that aren’t quite as endearing. Perhaps that is the most important time to make the effort. Those are the teaching opportunities. Those are the times in which kids can feel loved no matter what- integral to self-esteem. Inconvenient as it is to find the rag has been dipped in the toilet (and yucky!), it’s the opportunity to show what he can use to clean and where. When I think about it, it certainly would not be in my best interests to deter anyone from wanting to clean in my house!
