The terms "good" and "bad" sure get tossed around a lot when it comes to kids. Here are some examples of commonly heard comments:
"Your son was so good. He sat so quietly in church today."
"You are being bad today. You hit your sister."
"What a good girl!"
These words have much more power than we give them credit. These words affect our children’s self-esteem and can affect the way that we view our kids.
The mom and dad whose child sat so quietly in church may feel really good to hear that compliment. Unwittingly, they may, in their state of pride, identify the boy as good because he sat well in church. The little boy also thinks he is "good" because he sat well in church.
What happens the next week after he didn’t get enough sleep the night before and he’s restless? Is he "bad" now? When he is reprimanded, does he feel like he is "bad"?
Is the boy that hit his sister "bad"? Are kids ever really "bad"? Let me rephrase: "Is the kid "bad" or is the behavior "bad"?
What about "good"? Is the goodness of a child contingent upon how he sits? If so, we’d have some wonderful, active, creative talented people labeled "bad". "Bad" because they are wired in a way that make it harder to sit still- it’s more challenging for them. What a shame it would be to have this label negatively impact their self-esteem and cover the wonderful gifts they possess.
Conversely, the child who does have the temperament to sit identifies her self-esteem with her ability to sit. She is good when she controls herself as opposed to expressing and just being herself.
What about the boy who hit his sister? Is he really "bad"? Or, is his behavior "bad"? When we focus on the behavior, we can more easily focus on solutions: "You feel angry, but it is not okay to hit your sister. Here’s what you can do instead…"
Here’s what you can do to escape the labels and build self esteem:
- Let your child know you love him/her no matter what. This takes the "good" and the "bad" out of the equation.
- Separate the behavior from the child. If you use the words "good" or "bad", clearly reference the behavior, not the child. For example: "Hitting is a bad way to handle the situation because it is not safe and it makes everyone feel angrier."
- Believe it! Believe that your child is an individual not to be labeled as "good" or "bad". Love your child and appreciate his/her unique qualities. Keep the message clear that no matter what your child hears from others, she has value just for being her.
