Diapers to Dating

April 2008 - Posts

• The Practice of Moving from Reaction to Intention

  As parents, we all react out of our own emotions and discomfort sometimes. It really takes work to step back and to be intentional. One way to do this is to acknowledge your feelings, and then to consciously shift your focus from how you are feeling to what you are teaching your child. For example, your preschooler pushes another child on the playground. You feel embarrassed and angry. Your first inclination is to react on your feelings and to yell at your child. What if you are able to acknowledge your own frustration and become aware at that moment? What if you can shift your focus from your feelings to what you want to teach? I want to teach my child how to manage his anger. In order to do this, I need to manage my anger. As a result of this intentionality, you first make sure the other child is okay. This models empathy. You then get down to your child’s level and validate that he felt angry. However, it is not okay to push. If you feel angry, calm down and then come back and use your words. What else is available to teach at this moment? The importance of apologizing after hurting someone else, the importance of noticing how your body feels when angry...Look for the opportunities in the situation. Your preschooler may do it again. Preschoolers don’t have the same capacity for handling emotions as older children and adults. You may have to go through the same drill multiple times, but as he gets older he learns from the control that you have modeled and from your teaching. This practice prepares your child for adulthood and both of you for adolescence . It really is a practice. Expecting perfection is a set up for failure. It’s like yoga, yoga is a practice. The practice is to focus on your breath while moving through a series of poses. Some poses may be enjoyable and feel good and some may feel quite uncomfortable. The practice is to stay focused on the breath regardless. Parallel this to practicing intention in parenting. The practice is to focus on teaching and enjoying your child during both enjoyable and uncomfortable times. When viewed as a practice, you may be more likely to accept where you are with it, and accept that it will be easier sometimes and more difficult at other times. The important thing is the awareness and the effort that you put into it. Posted Apr 17 2008, 10:23 AM by admin with no comments Filed under: Discipline, Emotional Intelligence, Children's Anger and Tantrums, Intentional Strength-Based Parenting, Sibling Rivalry, staying connected, yoga

• Choices, Choices

  As parents, we have many choices to make everyday. Do we let the dishes go when the kids ask us to go out and play ball? Do we step in when our kids are having an argument? When Jill comes home from school saying she wants to cheerlead when she is already playing soccer, do we sign her up? To parent with intention, it is important to give thought to these everyday choices. Many times the answers lie within some additional questions to ourselves: Do we let the dishes go when the kids ask us to play ball? How will everyone feel? Will I feel resentful later when I’m tired and have a large stack of dishes to tackle? Or, do I feel okay with this and don’t mind doing them later? What are some solutions? How do they fall in with the values I want to teach? Examples: Have everyone work on the dishes before going out to play – teaches responsibility, enhances self-esteem (kids’ self-esteem increases when they feel they are contributing). Just go play with the kids – also enhances self-esteem, anytime you connect with the kids, it builds their self-esteem. Do we step in when our kids are having an argument? Are the children capable of handling the argument themselves? Have I given them the tools they need? Is it developmentally appropriate to expect that they can handle the situation? Is it safe to let them continue to work it out? What message do I send if I intervene too soon? Too late? When Jill comes home from school saying she wants to cheerlead when she is already playing soccer, do we sign her up? Would it make sense to give Jill a choice of one or the other? How would it play out in terms of time and energy to add this activity? What are my values and priorities? What is my rule on how many sports each child can play? How does it affect the family financially? When you take the time to give a little thought to these everyday choices, it can really help you to further define your values and to step back and think about what is most important to you and your family. It can also make future choices a little easier. Share with your children your thought processes on occasion, when relevant, as it teaches them the very important process of making choices too. Posted Apr 14 2008, 02:54 PM by admin with no comments Filed under: Self-Esteem, Discipline, Intentional Strength-Based Parenting, Responsibility, Extracurricular Activities, Sibling Rivalry, Teaching Values

• The Power of Self-Esteem

  My older kids’ elementary school is a very positive, encouraging environment. When I bring my preschooler to the school he really feels like a big kid. He and I spent the afternoon at the school a couple of days ago. I had appointments with staff members for conferences and to discuss some school activities with which I am involved. My son just feels so confident and competent when he is at the school. As a parent, it is great to see! A year ago, he was often frustrated being the youngest, and desperately wanted to be able to do everything that his big brother and big sister were doing. This would show in his behavior, and I really had to work to give words to his feelings, help him to calm down from his frustration, and to use those words. When we were waiting in the office to talk with the principal, two kindergarten teachers came in to talk with my son and to say they were excited for him to come to the school next year. He was very proud when one of them asked him to write his name. When I met with the principal, my son told her he thought he was ready for high school [:)].  She was so patient with him and really gave him her attention. Later, we ran into the gym teacher in the hall. During a previous time that we were at school, she very patiently listened to my son count to 100 for her [:)].  As we walked by, he told her that he could now count to 1000 (I suggested that if he was going to do it to go by 100s this time). We went on to meet with my older son’s teacher, and she very patiently listened to my son show off his math skills. Whenever I bring him in, she is always attentive and encouraging towards him. Have we created a ham? Maybe, but his behavior was great that day. He was patient when I talked with the staff, and the interruptions were polite and minimal. He was able to engage in some of the activities I provided for him. I’m a big believer that self-esteem is integral to a child’s well-being and has a positive impact on behavior (as I witnessed at the school). As parents, we want to help our children with self-esteem. It is nice to remember that there are kind, supportive people out there who can help with the job. As they support our children, we can gain inspiration from them.  It is always a positive time investment to direct full attention to a child and to be fully present. Posted Apr 07 2008, 02:54 PM by admin with no comments Filed under: Self-Esteem

• Flexibility within Structure

  One thing I have noticed the few times that I have watched “Wife Swap” or “Super Nanny” is that the families tend to be far towards one end of the spectrum or the other when it comes to permissiveness versus control. In “Wife Swap”, you can find the mom that runs the house like a mini-military compound go to a home where all family members are free to do whatever they want, eat anywhere they want, and sleep whenever they want. As viewers, we see the frustration, perhaps see a bit of ourselves in one extreme or the other, and then watch the families come together in the end. Often, one family has learned from the other, and vice-versa, and there’s a happy ending as the wives reunite with their own families. Likewise, the families chosen for “Super Nanny” often present extremes in terms of over-structure or lack of structure, and Super Nanny brings them to the middle by teaching the more rigid families to play and giving the more permissive families some structure. Children need flexibility within a structure. They need some limits and boundaries along with some freedom to make their own decisions. Many discipline experts contrast three parenting styles: authoritarian (controlling- my way or the highway), permissive (no limits and boundaries) and authoritative (kind and fair, yet firm). An authoritative approach allows parents to be positive, intentional and connected with their children. In contrast, as is exemplified in these TV shows, an authoritarian, controlling style creates a disconnect and is often negative (lots of “no’s”). The permissive style certainly does not feel intentional. It feels haphazard and lacks the preparation that kids need to move forward towards adulthood. There’s good evidence that the middle of the spectrum is the place to be. Kind, fair and firm can be a nice mantra when it comes to parenting. It’s worth the sacrifice of an appearance on one of these shows. [:)] Posted Apr 01 2008, 02:54 PM by admin with no comments Filed under: Discipline, wife swap, super nanny