Diapers to Dating

April 2009 - Posts

• How to Help A Child Who is Anxious About the Swine Flu

  The news is out, and people are worried with Swine Flu cases on the rise. Kids are learning about it too. They may feel worried and have questions. They may sense the anxiety that you feel as well. Here are some tips to help your child with his/her feelings, build trust and resilience, and to keep the focus on prevention and solutions: Open the lines of communication. Perhaps your child has outright told you that she is worried, or perhaps you suspect it due to behavioral changes. How and when does your child best communicate? Some children open up before bedtime. For some children, you can give crayons and blank paper, and find out more through art. Listen and answer questions at his/her level. Your child may ask what the Swine Flu is, and you may be tempted to explain all about viruses and give the letter and numerical name for this one. An answer that it makes people feel sick like you felt when you had the flu may be all she wants to know. You can often find out what your child wants to know by listening and asking some clarifying questions. Let your child know that you will do your best to keep him safe. Children need to feel protected. Let your child know that sometimes bad things happen. Painting a rosy picture all of the time is just unrealistic. Your child will learn at some point along the way that bad things do happen. Talk with her about others whom are sick if she asks. Teach how you cope with these situations. Perhaps it is through prayer or sending positive thoughts their way. What provides you solace? Pass your beliefs onto your child. Get your own anxiety in check before a having a discussion with your child. Kids can sense your anxiety, and your anxiety will increase his fears. It is okay to feel anxious, and you can share that you feel concerned too. However, kids need to feel safe and taken care of, and to have someone that can provide leadership and guidance. Teach your child what he can do. The CDC provides clear guidelines for preventing influenza. Wash hands with your child. Have him sing his ABCs while doing so to make sure he does it long enough. Show him how to wash in between fingers. When you teach your child, he will feel more in control. Allow your child to feel her feelings. You may not be as concerned as she is and may be quick to say, "Don’t worry about it." However, it is confusing to children when their feelings are not validated. It makes them question themselves and their abilities. Respond with empathy: "It is scary to learn about something like this that you have not heard of before." Then you can move on to talk with her about the facts and the safety precautions you plan to take. Situations like this provide opportunities to teach children how to manage anxiety and stress at an early age. It is a life skill that they can carry with them. Posted Apr 28 2009, 07:33 PM by Coach Nancy with 3 comment(s) Filed under: Communication, Anxiety and Stress, Empathy, flu, illness, stress, resilience, Swine Flu

• "Don't Tell Me I'm Great, Tell Me What I Did Great."

  As I was contemplating my blog topics for this week and becoming more acclimated to Twitter, I decided to ask my new Twitter friends for suggestions on parenting topics that are real and relevant. SAHM411 (her twitter name) responded as follows:   Kids totally need to feel loved & capable - my son used to say "don't tell me I did great- tell me what I did great" The timing was great too. My son helped my husband today to wash the car and to wash windows, and he was just glowing. I noticed. I made a little mental note to myself at the time confirming kids’ need and desire to feel capable. This is what self-esteem is about—unconditional love and feeling capable. It’s not about feeling good or great all the time. It’s about holding oneself in high-esteem—having respect for one’s ability to make decisions and to navigate the ups and downs of life. Think of people you hold in high-esteem. What does this look like for you? What I think SAHM 411 is saying (and correct me if I am wrong) is that telling a kid that "You’re great" is not enough. It’s too vague and can confuse children. As Spring and soccer season are upon us, I’ll use a sports analogy to better illustrate: "You’re a good soccer player" is another statement that can be vague and confusing in and of itself. Kids need to know specifics. As a matter of fact, they may get confused and even disagree if we just throw out generalized statements as such. For example, you tell your child, "Wow, you played soccer really well today." The child may be thinking, "I didn’t think I played very well at all." As SAHM 411’s son says, "Tell me what I did great." "You made a great pass to Tommy." "You were really running hard." "You stayed focused on the ball." Kids do totally need to feel loved and capable. Here are some ways that parents can help children to feel both loved and capable: Praise the effort just as much or more than the result. "I can tell you took time carefully picking the colors you would use in your painting." "You scrubbed really hard to make the car look so shiny." Spend time to teach your child. Teach your child skills that you know how to do. This shows her that you value her and want to include her. She feels more capable when she can learn and accomplish something new. The connection and togetherness convey love and that you value your child. Allow your child to own his/her projects. Perhaps it’s a school project or a fort in the backyard. Try not to step in unless asked. Allow your child to make mistakes and figure things out on his own. This process leads to a true sense of capability. Think about your own childhood. Can you think of anything you accomplished completely on your own? How did that feel? Separate the child from the behavior. It’s easy to tell a child he or she is great, or cute, or whatever you are feeling when a child is sitting quietly doing what you’d like him to do. Fast forward to when you are asking him to get ready for bed and he is fighting you every step of the way. Here’s where the unconditional love comes in. You feel angry and/or frustrated that your child is not complying. Empathize with your child. We all have trouble transitioning at times. You don’t like the behavior, but you still love your child. Make this distinction.   What are your thoughts on this subject? Have you ever noticed your child beaming after working hard to accomplish a goal or a task as I did today? What do you think of when you think of the term ‘self-esteem’?     Posted Apr 26 2009, 08:10 PM by Coach Nancy with 2 comment(s) Filed under: Self-Esteem, Discipline, Emotional Intelligence, Intentional Strength-Based Parenting, Raising Resilient Kids, Responsibility, Extracurricular Activities, Empathy, staying connected, Twitter, sports, resilience

• The Benefits of Combining Yoga and Parenting

  It takes a huge amount of physical and emotional energy to parent. Yoga is a great way to build physical and emotional stamina. Physical Energy and Parenting When our kids are babies and toddlers, we reach down to pick them up and we hold them. In fact it seems like we are always reaching, bending and twisting. It’s hard on the back. Then as they grow older, we are running along side them as they learn to ride their bikes. Next is soccer in the backyard… Emotional Energy and Parenting Parents and children have different temperaments. We navigate the similarities and differences while at the same time making major decisions with partners (if co-parenting). Children frequently change based upon their developmental stage. The life of a parent is ever-changing and unpredictable. No wonder so many parents yell. It’s hard!!! The thing is-- it’s hard on the kids too. They really need us. They need our support and presence to navigate the ups and downs of their lives. The Benefits of Combining Yoga and Parenting 1. Quiet time! We thirst for this. Time to quiet our minds and just be. 2. Training to Stop and Breathe. Many parents are looking for ways to calm themselves down and to teach their kids how to manage their emotions. Anger can be a big problem in families. Taking deep breaths before reacting is such a great practice to model for the kids, and it really is a practice. 3. Health and Connection. A strong spine means you can go out and throw the football with your child. You can run and play soccer with him or her. These activities are great opportunities to connect and make memories. 4. The Practice of Staying Present. Staying present in the moment is hard. It seems that we are always rushing from one thing to the next. It is during the times that we are truly present with our children that we do our best parenting. 5. Both Yoga and Parenting Are a Practice. In my opinion, this is one of the most important realizations we can make as parents. Practice, not perfection. We journey and we keep trying while being okay with where we are. Not judging. This is the philosophy of yogis, and a great philosophy to adopt as parents. 6. When you show compassion for yourself, this can translate to your children. When we take care of ourselves it is easier to care for our children. 7. Strength and Flexibility. We need this both literally and figuratively as parents. If you have obstacles preventing you from making it happen, know that stopping and breathing in and of itself is a yoga and parenting practice. Do you practice yoga? Do you notice the benefits? Posted Apr 22 2009, 07:39 AM by Coach Nancy with no comments Filed under: Relationships, Emotional Intelligence, Making Time for Me, Children's Anger and Tantrums, Intentional Strength-Based Parenting, Temperaments, Anxiety and Stress, staying connected, marriage and parenting, Active child, high energy, perfectionism, yoga

• Columbine and Helping Children Deal With Feelings

  This post started as a comment on the NYT Motherlode post: "Do We Blame the Columbine Parents?" As it grew, it made more sense to post here. Commenter # 11 asks, "So what do we do about this as a society? Are we completely powerless?" I choose to think not and see glimmers of hope as I work with third graders on dealing with their feelings. Kids are like sponges, they have the capacity to learn. A quick preface, I do agree that there are children that have a diminished capacity to learn some of these skills, and it is important for adults to identify these children and seek additional intervention. If I had my way, anger management, impulse control, and conflict resolution would be taught in every school, and the parents would sit in too. This contributes to emotional intelligence more than intellectual intelligence, which, when you think about it, is just as important. I teach anger management and conflict resolution classes to third graders. Here are some comments from them in the Thank you notes they sent me: "All things I learned from you was a new thing" "Thank you for coming in to teach us about active listening, how to control our anger, and more. I use count back from 10 a lot." "Your teaching really helped me in a lot of situations." As adults, we have learned some type of coping mechanism for dealing with powerful feelings-- some may be healthy, some not. If we could all build more of an awareness in ourselves and in our children when it comes to dealing with feelings, I think it would make a difference. I would bet that some kids that may have been on the fringe of criminality received intervention from caring adults—we just don’t hear about those cases on the news. On this day, my thoughts and prayers are with the Columbine families. I hope you will all join me in making a difference in children’s lives. Notice your surroundings, your kids’ friends, and kids you interact with at their schools. Know that the attention and presence you give these children fosters empathy. The skills that you teach your own kids can make a difference. The more empathy is modeled for our children, the better. Posted Apr 20 2009, 11:04 AM by Coach Nancy with no comments Filed under: Parenting, Self-Esteem, Relationships, Discipline, Emotional Intelligence, Children's Anger and Tantrums, Intentional Strength-Based Parenting, Raising Resilient Kids, Temperaments, Sibling Rivalry, Anxiety and Stress, Bullying, Empathy, staying connected, Motherlode, New York Times, Spirited Child, Personalities, resilience

• Discipline Via Timer

  I’m not talking about my kids here, I’m talking about myself. I have some serious ADD when it comes to housework—no joke. I can be in the kitchen cooking or cleaning and think of something I want to tell someone or go check e-mail, and burn a pan. We talk here about discipline and working with temperaments when it comes to kids. What better place to start than with ourselves? We all know that our actions speak loudly to our children. Some days I do better than others. Today was a good day. I set my timer for 15 minutes at a time and focus on cleaning one area. I can usually get the kitchen clean in 15-30 minutes. It’s not a deep scrub, but it looks pretty good. I set my timer 3 times for 15 minutes each time, and then set it for another 15 minutes to catch up on the computer. I also set my timer to engage in uninterrupted play with my kids. There is much intention here when it comes to discipline—not just for me, but for my kids too. When my children get cell phones and start texting, I can tell them that I limit my time on the computer, so that I can spend time with my family and get other things done. It helps kids understand why we need to place limits when we explain how we use them ourselves. This feels much better than getting to a point in which I have to bring down the hammer (a dad did this to his daughter’s cell phone). What areas do you find that you need to discipline yourself?   Posted Apr 14 2009, 10:28 AM by Coach Nancy with 2 comment(s) Filed under: Flylady.net, Discipline, Communication, Making Time for Me, Intentional Strength-Based Parenting, Temperaments, Organize & Simplify, Responsibility, Teaching Values, ADHD, staying connected, Motherlode, New York Times, Personalities, Twitter

• Reflections on Contribution to New York Times: Let's Keep the Dialogue on Bullying Going

  It was exciting to have the opportunity to offer parents strategies to help bullied children in a New York Times publication. My input is in Lisa Belkin's post, "Being Bullied Can Make Kids Stronger."   Lisa Belkin has created a vocal community in her blog "The Motherlode." The viewpoints are fascinating, and the posters are forthcoming when it comes to expressing their real feelings—I like that. The community as a whole provides a wealth of information. I always enjoy reading and learning from the comments-- including those on the post in which I participated. It is such a good feeling to be able to brooch such an important topic as bullying, and to have a forum to provide tools and resources to help parents. The great thing about parenting communities such as Lisa’s, and the community that we are in the process of developing here, is that parents can share ideas and strategies. It is certainly true that what may resonate for some may not seem practical for others. One-hundred and sixty-five commenters shared their perspectives on this post. Many shared how they would put the ideas into practice. Some offered additional resources, and others shared powerful and poignant stories of their own experiences in bullying situations. Many liked the practical ideas of teaching children how to carry themselves and having their kids surround themselves with friends. Many stressed the importance of early intervention as it is of utmost importance that children feel safe in school. A clarification I would underscore is that the bullying itself does not make the child stronger. The tools discussed, resources, and support of parents help children to gain strength as they face future challenges. One idea in the blog post is to put a note in the child’s lunchbox to let him know of all the people who love and support him. At least several commenters voiced their concern that the other child may find the note. This could be a very valid concern depending upon the situation. The feedback reinforces for me what I love about my job as a parent coach. One parent may think an idea is great, and one may think "no way". I love working with parents individually to help them find what works for their situation. The same note could be put on the bathroom mirror or the refrigerator instead. The whole idea is to reinforce a child’s knowledge that he has many people whom he can rely upon for support, care about him, and love him. Sometimes we may take for granted that a child knows this, but when a child is being bullied at school, he can feel so isolated and lonely. It is up to parents to assess these ideas and to determine which will be most effective for their child's situation. The bottom line when it comes to bullying is that it is a huge social problem, and as parents, we need to come together to take this seriously, and to help our children. Let's keep the dialogue going. Your thoughts? Posted Apr 12 2009, 08:06 PM by Coach Nancy with no comments Filed under: Self-Esteem, Raising Resilient Kids, Bullying, Motherlode, New York Times, stress, resilience

• Car Travel with Children

  What better time to blog on car travel with children than when planning our own trip? We know the basics: Bring healthy snacks Provide comfort with pillows, favorite stuffed animals, etc. Play car games Bring hand-held activities (some video games okay here) DVD player Bring crayons, coloring books, etc. (careful if child gets car sick) Stop regularly to let the kids stretch For our family, it’s still challenging. We talk here about temperaments, and we all have active temperaments which makes sitting in the car for long periods of time quite challenging. We’ve done it before, and there are always some rough spots—not even the best of planners can avoid that. What I am looking for are some unique ideas beyond the basics. I want to have some extra tools and surprises to lighten up the trip. We talk a lot here about intention. I am setting an intention to make the most of this opportunity to bond as a family. As I have written recently here, I am realizing more and more that time is flying (but we’re not this time J). A family vacation is a precious opportunity to keep that bond and create lasting memories. However, as humans, we really are fragile, and it takes intention and planning to make the most of the whole vacation—including that together time in the car-- navigating the bumps in the road both figuratively and literally. Here are a couple of cool ideas from friends: Buy popcorn boxes before the trip (she told me they have them in the dollar section at Target). Then you can buy large bags of pretzels, popcorn, chips, etc., and give each child his/her own—more cost effective, less bickering—I love this idea! Pick a McDonald’s with a Play Area and let the kids play while you eat. They expend their energy and then it keeps them busy for a good half hour in the car eating their food. I got on the web to find some more ideas and found this great site: http://www.momsminivan.com/ . Here are some findings that resonated with me: Car sickness. We have a child that tends to get car sick, and what a great list of ideas here. I am packing some peppermints and gingersnaps. Cootie catchers. These are great fun. They take time to make, and the kids can get original with colored paper making big ones and small ones. They can write different sayings in each one. My kids have brought these home from school, but we haven’t tried it in the car before. Good how-to page here. Unique car game ideas. I love the idea of "Road trip Battleship". We have actually tried to bring a miniature version of Battleship in the car, and there were pieces everywhere!! Live and learn, right? Here are a few things I have found helpful in our experience thusfar: "Quiz Bowl":  We find that a made-up game that we play as a family called "Quiz-Bowl" keeps the mind engaged and keeps us busy for awhile. I am sure there are many variations of this. We tell the kids they can pick a subject—Math, Science, Sports, History… and we ask them questions at their level. It’s a fun learning activity that is good for connecting. "Guess what I’m thinking of?" is a fun game that keeps us busy too. Checklists: I have computer documents that I keep filed which are essentially checklists titled: "Travel- Warm Weather" and "Travel- Cold Weather". These checklists help keep me organized as I pack. What tricks do you have when it comes to travelling by car with kids? Posted Apr 01 2009, 09:23 AM by Coach Nancy with 2 comment(s) Filed under: Intentional Strength-Based Parenting, Temperaments, saving money, staying connected, vacation, games, car travel