Diapers to Dating

Connections bring out the best in families. When family members feel more connected it serves as a buffer against ill will and power struggles. You can connect by filling your family members' buckets.

The little things we do on a daily basis really aren't so little. When we drop a stone onto a still body of water, we watch the ripples extend far beyond where the stone was dropped. Create a ripple effect with these small actions:

• Hug each child first thing every morning.
• Hug your child when you first see him after the school day.
• Kiss your spouse good-bye every morning.
• Kiss your spouse good-night every evening.
• Plan a family game night and stick to it.
• Put a love note in your child’s lunch bag once per week.
• Spend at least 10 minutes each day giving each family member your present, undivided attention. If you have a large family, set up a rotation schedule.

Keep the ripple going:

• Slow down. Cut out activities that are not important to allow more together time.
• Count the compliments. It takes 5 positive comments to make up for one negative. Make it a point to keep those positive comments flowing.
• Write a list of strengths for each family member and post it where visible. This will keep you focused on the positive and help you to remind your children of their strengths.

What do you do to keep your family connected?

As parents we are managers of our time, we structure our children’s time, and it just never seems like we have enough time. Many of us have wish lists and ideals that have been put on the back burner. Many of us feel guilt along with a flood of negative feelings when we think about what we are not doing.

I am personally not a fan of expectations. Expectations of any kind seem to serve as a trap to keep us stuck. What can be effective is to start by assessing values. Values are principles, qualities, and/or beliefs that one holds as important.

Values serve as a compass for raising children and for setting priorities. One parent I know told me that his father expressed to him his top three values as follows: God, family, work (in that order). These values and priorities were evident as his father lived his daily life. This parent strives to pass along these values to his own children. A grandparent that I know told me in hindsight that work was his top priority when raising his family, and now reflects wishing he would have placed a higher value on family.

Values are individual and can be determined as a guiding force for a family. When you identify what you truly value, the priorities can more easily fall into place. By the way, kids will get your values whether you tell them explicitly or not. You can be intentional when passing along your values to your children.

Here are some additional examples of values:

• Accomplishment: Knowing you’ve done well
• Adventure: Activities involving risk, excitement and unpredictable events
• Community
• Competency: Being capable and effective
• Order: neatness, organized
• Friendship
• Flexible work schedule
• Freedom
• Honesty
• Leisure: Time for enjoyment, pleasure, relaxation
• Peace
• Helping Others
• Responsibility
• Respect
• Recognition: Getting respect/approval from others

Let’s say your top three values are family, friendship, and leisure. Working from these values, you prioritize your time accordingly to make sure you are creating family time, connecting with friends, and saving for vacations. Perhaps some other tasks fall by the wayside, but you are living and modeling your values.

Sometimes we need to prioritize our time to give attention to weak spots that are limiting us from optimal function. For example, you value family time and order/neatness is low on the list. However, you feel so consumed by the clutter in your home that you have trouble to focus on your children. It’s time to make some changes (my story).

Here are some thoughts and tips for prioritizing:

Determine your values. Write down your top three or top five. Post them on the refrigerator.

Set goals and objectives as they pertain to your top values. For example, Helping Others is one of your top values. A goal could be to work on a Habitat for Humanity project as a family. Objectives would be the steps to make it happen.

What can you let go? Are you overscheduled? What things are you doing that really aren’t that important to you/your family? Can you take steps to minimize these time sinks that are getting in the way of what you really want to do?

Picture your children and yourself 25 years from now. What memories are you creating? What memories are important to create? What may you regret if you don’t shift your focus now?

A focus on values as opposed to expectations can help energize and provide a direction. Be intentional. Give some thought to what is truly important to you, to what you stand for, and what you want to pass on to your children, and the priorities will fall into place.

What are your thoughts?

Pace yourself, take care of yourself, enjoy the moment, and you can have a great run.

Parenting is more of a marathon than a sprint. I am half qualified to write this because I am half-way there training for a ½ marathon, and a little less than half-way when it comes to the amount of time my kids will be in my home.

We sign up for this race. Once that child comes into our lives, we commit to love and care for it. The beginning can be hard. It’s a transition to get started. I’m sore. I’m tired. Why did I sign up for this?!?

Then you start getting into the groove. The baby is sleeping a little more and he is more interactive. The training is going smoothly. Here comes a big hill…TODDLERHOOD! Am I ever going to get over this hill? It’s time to re-adjust the stride. This hill is BUMPY! It’s time to slow down and gain composure. The hill requires a new pace and a new stride—slow and steady, taking care of yourself and your child. Don't forget to enjoy the scenery. The kid is the cutest thing, and it's so fun to watch him soak in all he is learning.

How’s your performance? Are you bogged down by the aches and pains, or are you able to enjoy and optimize the process?  The aches and pains point to where we need to make changes or ease up a bit. You’ve made it up the toddlerhood hill and continue to run into some bumps in the road. Sometimes it’s time to slow down for a water break and get help from those on the sidelines.

When running smoothly and keeping a good pace, you remember why you signed up for this. You’re enjoying the fun times with the children, and taking moments to enjoy the run. You’re teaching and loving the children and enjoying sweet moments. You’ve hit your stride.

Sometimes it’s time to focus on self-improvement. How’s the running form? Is your parenting style working for you? Sometimes the pace is a little off. The posture and positioning is a little off kilter—time to evaluate. Remember your vision for your children. Don't lose sight of what you are doing.

Mile 20—THE TEEN YEARS. You need to stay in the race just as much now as ever. It requires all the energy it took to get over that first big hill during toddlerhood. Four more years… six more miles… to make the most out of this experience that so much effort has been put into.

Many people who make it through 26 miles and 18 years want more. They sign up for more marathons. They are anxious for the grandkids to come. Either way, the time does pass, make the most of it.

Connection and communication are key ingredients for a healthy relationship with our children. They take effort on our part as parents. Dave, a busy dad with four children, uses some creativity and good timing to connect with his children.

Dave is my guest blogger today. Here is how he connects with his daughter by allowing her to ask the questions:

Here is the deal, I am a dad. I have four kids. Girl, Boy, Boy, Girl. Last evening as I was getting ready to tuck the older daughter into bed, I made her scoot over and we looked at the ceiling together.

She was having a tough evening and so to kind of cool down, I said, "OK, you can ask me any four questions and I'll promise to answer them."

I wanted her to know that she could ask me anything (at any time, not just then) and so I offered her the challenge/format.

And she did ask me four questions. Three of them were serious, good questions (two that I'll share are, "Why are you so stubborn sometimes?" and "Why do you have to be so organized?" (<-- had to do with making menus for the week and grocery shopping).

I answered them. I am pretty sure that I answered them to her satisfaction. I know that I answered them openly, honestly, and with love.

Anyway, by offering to provide good, honest answers, it (a) allowed her to be in charge of a conversation, (b) allowed us to build on our relationship (I hope to be her friend one day, not just her dad), (c) made me a little vulnerable and (d) allowed her to see that I'm just as human as she is.

Those four questions allowed my daughter a different path to connect to her dear, old dad. I'm glad that she traveled down the path a little with me.

Thank you, Dave, for your story and for the great idea. How do you connect and keep the lines of communication open with your children?

The news is out, and people are worried with Swine Flu cases on the rise. Kids are learning about it too. They may feel worried and have questions. They may sense the anxiety that you feel as well.

Here are some tips to help your child with his/her feelings, build trust and resilience, and to keep the focus on prevention and solutions:

Open the lines of communication. Perhaps your child has outright told you that she is worried, or perhaps you suspect it due to behavioral changes. How and when does your child best communicate? Some children open up before bedtime. For some children, you can give crayons and blank paper, and find out more through art.

Listen and answer questions at his/her level. Your child may ask what the Swine Flu is, and you may be tempted to explain all about viruses and give the letter and numerical name for this one. An answer that it makes people feel sick like you felt when you had the flu may be all she wants to know. You can often find out what your child wants to know by listening and asking some clarifying questions.

Let your child know that you will do your best to keep him safe. Children need to feel protected.

Let your child know that sometimes bad things happen. Painting a rosy picture all of the time is just unrealistic. Your child will learn at some point along the way that bad things do happen. Talk with her about others whom are sick if she asks. Teach how you cope with these situations. Perhaps it is through prayer or sending positive thoughts their way. What provides you solace? Pass your beliefs onto your child.

Get your own anxiety in check before a having a discussion with your child. Kids can sense your anxiety, and your anxiety will increase his fears. It is okay to feel anxious, and you can share that you feel concerned too. However, kids need to feel safe and taken care of, and to have someone that can provide leadership and guidance.

Teach your child what he can do. The CDC provides clear guidelines for preventing influenza. Wash hands with your child. Have him sing his ABCs while doing so to make sure he does it long enough. Show him how to wash in between fingers. When you teach your child, he will feel more in control.

Allow your child to feel her feelings. You may not be as concerned as she is and may be quick to say, "Don’t worry about it." However, it is confusing to children when their feelings are not validated. It makes them question themselves and their abilities. Respond with empathy: "It is scary to learn about something like this that you have not heard of before." Then you can move on to talk with her about the facts and the safety precautions you plan to take.

Situations like this provide opportunities to teach children how to manage anxiety and stress at an early age. It is a life skill that they can carry with them.

It takes a huge amount of physical and emotional energy to parent.

Yoga is a great way to build physical and emotional stamina.

When our kids are babies and toddlers, we reach down to pick them up and we hold them. In fact it seems like we are always reaching, bending and twisting. It’s hard on the back. Then as they grow older, we are running along side them as they learn to ride their bikes. Next is soccer in the backyard…

Parents and children have different temperaments. We navigate the similarities and differences while at the same time making major decisions with partners (if co-parenting). Children frequently change based upon their developmental stage. The life of a parent is ever-changing and unpredictable. No wonder so many parents yell. It’s hard!!!

The thing is-- it’s hard on the kids too. They really need us. They need our support and presence to navigate the ups and downs of their lives.

1. Quiet time! We thirst for this. Time to quiet our minds and just be.

2. Training to Stop and Breathe. Many parents are looking for ways to calm themselves down and to teach their kids how to manage their emotions. Anger can be a big problem in families. Taking deep breaths before reacting is such a great practice to model for the kids, and it really is a practice.

3. Health and Connection. A strong spine means you can go out and throw the football with your child. You can run and play soccer with him or her. These activities are great opportunities to connect and make memories.

4. The Practice of Staying Present. Staying present in the moment is hard. It seems that we are always rushing from one thing to the next. It is during the times that we are truly present with our children that we do our best parenting.

5. Both Yoga and Parenting Are a Practice. In my opinion, this is one of the most important realizations we can make as parents. Practice, not perfection. We journey and we keep trying while being okay with where we are. Not judging. This is the philosophy of yogis, and a great philosophy to adopt as parents.

6. When you show compassion for yourself, this can translate to your children. When we take care of ourselves it is easier to care for our children.

7. Strength and Flexibility. We need this both literally and figuratively as parents.

If you have obstacles preventing you from making it happen, know that stopping and breathing in and of itself is a yoga and parenting practice.

Do you practice yoga? Do you notice the benefits?

This post started as a comment on the NYT Motherlode post: "Do We Blame the Columbine Parents?" As it grew, it made more sense to post here.

Commenter # 11 asks, "So what do we do about this as a society? Are we completely powerless?" I choose to think not and see glimmers of hope as I work with third graders on dealing with their feelings. Kids are like sponges, they have the capacity to learn.

A quick preface, I do agree that there are children that have a diminished capacity to learn some of these skills, and it is important for adults to identify these children and seek additional intervention.

If I had my way, anger management, impulse control, and conflict resolution would be taught in every school, and the parents would sit in too. This contributes to emotional intelligence more than intellectual intelligence, which, when you think about it, is just as important.

I teach anger management and conflict resolution classes to third graders. Here are some comments from them in the Thank you notes they sent me:

"All things I learned from you was a new thing"

"Thank you for coming in to teach us about active listening, how to control our anger, and more. I use count back from 10 a lot."

"Your teaching really helped me in a lot of situations."

As adults, we have learned some type of coping mechanism for dealing with powerful feelings-- some may be healthy, some not. If we could all build more of an awareness in ourselves and in our children when it comes to dealing with feelings, I think it would make a difference. I would bet that some kids that may have been on the fringe of criminality received intervention from caring adults—we just don’t hear about those cases on the news.

On this day, my thoughts and prayers are with the Columbine families. I hope you will all join me in making a difference in children’s lives. Notice your surroundings, your kids’ friends, and kids you interact with at their schools. Know that the attention and presence you give these children fosters empathy. The skills that you teach your own kids can make a difference. The more empathy is modeled for our children, the better.

I’m not talking about my kids here, I’m talking about myself. I have some serious ADD when it comes to housework—no joke. I can be in the kitchen cooking or cleaning and think of something I want to tell someone or go check e-mail, and burn a pan.

We talk here about discipline and working with temperaments when it comes to kids. What better place to start than with ourselves? We all know that our actions speak loudly to our children.

Some days I do better than others. Today was a good day. I set my timer for 15 minutes at a time and focus on cleaning one area. I can usually get the kitchen clean in 15-30 minutes. It’s not a deep scrub, but it looks pretty good. I set my timer 3 times for 15 minutes each time, and then set it for another 15 minutes to catch up on the computer. I also set my timer to engage in uninterrupted play with my kids.

There is much intention here when it comes to discipline—not just for me, but for my kids too. When my children get cell phones and start texting, I can tell them that I limit my time on the computer, so that I can spend time with my family and get other things done. It helps kids understand why we need to place limits when we explain how we use them ourselves. This feels much better than getting to a point in which I have to bring down the hammer (a dad did this to his daughter’s cell phone).

What areas do you find that you need to discipline yourself?

It was exciting to have the opportunity to offer parents strategies to help bullied children in a New York Times publication. My input is in Lisa Belkin's post, "Being Bullied Can Make Kids Stronger."  

Lisa Belkin has created a vocal community in her blog "The Motherlode." The viewpoints are fascinating, and the posters are forthcoming when it comes to expressing their real feelings—I like that. The community as a whole provides a wealth of information. I always enjoy reading and learning from the comments-- including those on the post in which I participated. It is such a good feeling to be able to brooch such an important topic as bullying, and to have a forum to provide tools and resources to help parents.

The great thing about parenting communities such as Lisa’s, and the community that we are in the process of developing here, is that parents can share ideas and strategies. It is certainly true that what may resonate for some may not seem practical for others.

One-hundred and sixty-five commenters shared their perspectives on this post. Many shared how they would put the ideas into practice. Some offered additional resources, and others shared powerful and poignant stories of their own experiences in bullying situations. Many liked the practical ideas of teaching children how to carry themselves and having their kids surround themselves with friends. Many stressed the importance of early intervention as it is of utmost importance that children feel safe in school. A clarification I would underscore is that the bullying itself does not make the child stronger. The tools discussed, resources, and support of parents help children to gain strength as they face future challenges.

One idea in the blog post is to put a note in the child’s lunchbox to let him know of all the people who love and support him. At least several commenters voiced their concern that the other child may find the note. This could be a very valid concern depending upon the situation.

The feedback reinforces for me what I love about my job as a parent coach. One parent may think an idea is great, and one may think "no way". I love working with parents individually to help them find what works for their situation. The same note could be put on the bathroom mirror or the refrigerator instead. The whole idea is to reinforce a child’s knowledge that he has many people whom he can rely upon for support, care about him, and love him. Sometimes we may take for granted that a child knows this, but when a child is being bullied at school, he can feel so isolated and lonely. It is up to parents to assess these ideas and to determine which will be most effective for their child's situation.

The bottom line when it comes to bullying is that it is a huge social problem, and as parents, we need to come together to take this seriously, and to help our children.

Let's keep the dialogue going. Your thoughts?

What better time to blog on car travel with children than when planning our own trip? We know the basics:

• Bring healthy snacks
• Provide comfort with pillows, favorite stuffed animals, etc.
• Play car games
• Bring hand-held activities (some video games okay here)
• DVD player
• Bring crayons, coloring books, etc. (careful if child gets car sick)
• Stop regularly to let the kids stretch

For our family, it’s still challenging. We talk here about temperaments, and we all have active temperaments which makes sitting in the car for long periods of time quite challenging. We’ve done it before, and there are always some rough spots—not even the best of planners can avoid that.

Here are a couple of cool ideas from friends:

Buy popcorn boxes before the trip (she told me they have them in the dollar section at Target). Then you can buy large bags of pretzels, popcorn, chips, etc., and give each child his/her own—more cost effective, less bickering—I love this idea!

Pick a McDonald’s with a Play Area and let the kids play while you eat. They expend their energy and then it keeps them busy for a good half hour in the car eating their food.

I got on the web to find some more ideas and found this great site: http://www.momsminivan.com/ . Here are some findings that resonated with me:

Car sickness. We have a child that tends to get car sick, and what a great list of ideas here. I am packing some peppermints and gingersnaps.

Cootie catchers. These are great fun. They take time to make, and the kids can get original with colored paper making big ones and small ones. They can write different sayings in each one. My kids have brought these home from school, but we haven’t tried it in the car before. Good how-to page here.

Unique car game ideas. I love the idea of "Road trip Battleship". We have actually tried to bring a miniature version of Battleship in the car, and there were pieces everywhere!! Live and learn, right?

Here are a few things I have found helpful in our experience thusfar:

"Quiz Bowl":  We find that a made-up game that we play as a family called "Quiz-Bowl" keeps the mind engaged and keeps us busy for awhile. I am sure there are many variations of this. We tell the kids they can pick a subject—Math, Science, Sports, History… and we ask them questions at their level. It’s a fun learning activity that is good for connecting.

"Guess what I’m thinking of?" is a fun game that keeps us busy too.

Checklists: I have computer documents that I keep filed which are essentially checklists titled: "Travel- Warm Weather" and "Travel- Cold Weather". These checklists help keep me organized as I pack.

What tricks do you have when it comes to travelling by car with kids?

I’ve blogged here about mistakes and gratitude. I think my five-year-old is getting it (maybe better than the rest of us at times). Out of the mouth of my babe:

Mistakes:

We were leaving the house one morning, and for some reason, I turned the opposite direction that I wanted to go (oops!). Thinking out loud, I reflected, "Why did I go this way?"

My five-year-old in the back seat replied, "You’re a person, mom, and people make mistakes."

Gratitude:

We were watching American Idol this past week. Paula gave Simon a box of crayons and a couple of coloring books because he was "acting like a six-year-old". Simon wasn’t too gracious in accepting this gift (I think he rolled his eyes as he often does).

My five-year-old said, "I would have liked that."

Do you see evidence that your child is getting the values you teach? Please share your stories.

Almost every year at this time of year, I remind my son about his entry into the world.

We lived in a different home than where we live now. A tree stood right in front of the kitchen window above the sink (a place where we parents—notice I said parents and not just moms—spend a lot of time). A robin built a nest at a bird’s eye view right smack in front of the window. It was a nice distraction to take my mind off supporting the weight of my pregnant belly as I awaited her return.

She stopped coming much to our dismay. Perhaps she felt uncomfortable being so close to us humans. Fortunately, the dove that replaced her with a ready-made nest was not so easily deterred. We wondered if she would lay eggs in there since the robin had previously resided in the nest.

In the meantime, my belly continued to grow with no signs of baby ready to come…5 days, 10 days, 12 days past the due date…no baby. Finally, it was time, and I went to the hospital on a cool April day to give birth to my son.

When we arrived at the hospital, it still felt like winter. Perhaps a few daffodils had shown their stems, but I hadn’t noticed. When we drove home from the hospital with our new baby, the trees had bloomed and the flowers had blossomed. That picture is alive in my mind as though it was yesterday.