I need some advise here, I have a four year old boy, whom has always been very good for me, all of the sudden, he is talking back, doing everything he can to not do what I say....then says I'm sorry, or I didn't hear you, is his excuse, I don't want to feel like all I do is get him in trouble, don't know what the deal is...any advise?

I remember how frustrating that can be -- I often would think, what's happened to my sweet little boy? And all the while, he'd have a little grin on his face that told me he was checking to see what he could get away with. One of the best pieces of advice I got from other moms (including mine), was -- hey, that's normal behavior, he's just testing his limits. While it helped put things in a little perspective, it was still a struggle. It did help me take a calm breath and try not to take his behavior personally -- see that he was going through a stage, not necessarily just being rude to me. I could then calmly say things like "we don't talk to people like that," or if he wasn't doing something I asked, I'd try to incorporate either some kind of result -- like, "we won't be able to go to the park until this is done." But the main things for me were -- don't take it personally, and don't expect this to change overnight!

Hello, and thank you for your posts. Thank you for bringing up an issue that is common in many families. The nice thing about forums is that your question helps others as well. You have gotten some nice advice from KY mom.

 

Kids certainly do go through phases of development that are more challenging for them. However, from your message, “all of the sudden” makes me wonder, have there been some changes that are affecting your son? Is something going on at school (if he goes to school)? It would be worthwhile to investigate to see if the cause is something more than a developmental phase, and perhaps it’s both.

 

In the meantime, frustrating as the talking back is, your best bet is to avoid engaging in power struggles, as they only exacerbate the problem. You can do this by identifying the feelings while still enforcing your limits. Give your son words for his feelings and let him know that you are working to understand how he feels. Listen to him. Example: “You are feeling angry that we couldn’t go to the park today. You really wanted to go. Give him a hug. Let’s arrange another time to go.” Focus on creating an atmosphere of respect by modeling respectful behavior as much as possible.

 

Regarding the issue of your child not hearing you: A good way to connect (which reduces power struggles) is to get down to your child’s level and make eye contact before making a request. 

 

Keep in mind that the way that you handle the challenging times prepares your child for life.  When you strive to stay calm and to connect with your child (without expecting perfection!), you are modeling for him how to handle powerful emotions. It really is a gift.

 

Check out these topics in our learning hub: Children’s Anger and Tantrums, Discipline, and Emotional Intelligence as there are helpful insights and tips that apply to your situation.

 

Hang in there!! I wish you the best!

 Sincerely,

Coach Nancy

Thak you for the advise, I am tring to do the best I can do, we'llsee where it takes us.   Iknow not too lose my cool, but like I read, "where is my sweet little gyy"..LOL..his dad doesn't helpthe matter as he intaganizes him, then wonders why he won't stop...Thank you once again.  Very muh appreciated..Teres