Children Give Signals When Something Bad Has Happened

With an ongoing barrage of incidents of violence and sexual crimes, listening to the news is not for the faint-hearted.  It’s enough to make even the bravest parents consider, if only for a moment, not letting their children out of their sight.  But if exposure to the world carries the possibility of harm, being isolated from it can be crippling for kids.  The trick is to strike a balance that offers children the opportunity to be safely involved in the world around them, and that’s what most parents set out to do.

But, they worry, how will I know if something bad has happened to my child?  How will I know if she needs my help?

Fortunately, there are ways you can tell.

Start by creating the foundation of a strong relationship.   Your capacity for demonstrating genuine empathy for your child’s everyday experiences makes it more likely that she will simply tell you when something disturbing happens.

Next, observe.  If something upsetting has occurred, these signs will clue you in:

• Is she unusually moody or irritable?

•  Is she suddenly less communicative than usual?

• Pay attention to behavior.  Acting out is sometimes a function of being upset.

•  Is she enjoying the things that usually appeal to her?

• Is she able to do her school work as usual?

•  Is there a change in her willingness to go to school?
  

What if you see changes that concern you?

• Get down on her level and make eye contact.  Share what you sense and ask without judging whether something has happened to upset her.  Leave the door open for her to talk about it later.

• Do not be dismissive!  Parents tend to focus on the “big” things like sexual abuse or bullying – but it’s important to be attuned to child for “smaller” things.  It is your child’s capacity to cope with an experience rather than your own perception of its severity that dictates how seriously it will stress her. What’s seems insignificant to you may be overwhelming to her.

• Focus on being present rather than jumping to solutions. 

• Offer someone else to talk to, especially for adolescents who are hesitant to share with their parents.