Discipline
Parenting Styles
Discipline experts recognize and widely discuss three types of parenting styles. The terms may vary from one expert to the next, but the definitions are essentially the same.
The three styles are:
- Authoritarian (also known as Brick Wall, Controlling). The authoritarian parent values obedience. The rules are clear but inflexible. Misbehavior is strictly punished. In this type of environment, it’s common for children to feel fearful and for parents to use fear as a teaching strategy. The authoritarian parent teaches the child what to think as opposed to how to think.
An authoritarian style can have unintended side effects. When parents rigidly discipline, children can become rigid, obsessive and people-pleasing. They may experience shame and guilt. An authoritarian style doesn’t teach children healthy ways for managing emotions; the focus is on accepting authority rather than learning how to make choices and distinguish right and wrong.
This style of discipline carries the same negative effects that accompany the use of punishment.
- Permissive (also known as Jellyfish, Laissez-Faire). A permissive parent allows children to learn the consequences of their actions for themselves, without providing guidance. There are no clear limits and misbehavior is often ignored. Unlike the authoritarian parent, the permissive parent offers little structure and few boundaries. Children have total freedom to act however they want.
While a permissive style of parenting may seem to support children’s creativity and provide a sense of being fully accepted, it lacks the structure they need to feel safe. Without limits, children can feel confused and insecure. They sense their parents’ resentment of their behavior, and their self-esteem suffers as a result.
As with an authoritarian style, permissiveness doesn’t teach children how to handle their emotions in a healthy way. It also doesn’t support them in developing an internal moral compass. Having free license to choose behavior without considering rules or the impact on other people sets children up for failure in their relationships and at school and work.
- Authoritative (also known as Backbone, Assertive-Democratic). An authoritative parent is kind, but firm. Authoritative parents are respectful towards their children, and model this behavior. They set and enforce limits, clarify issues and give reasons for limits. They provide children with practice in making choices and guide them to see the consequences of their choices. They teach their children how to solve problems.
These are essential skills in adulthood. Self-esteem flourishes as children learn to rely on their own abilities to determine right from wrong and to act accordingly.
