Divorce

Unintentional Injuries

Sometimes when parents can’t resolve their own pain, anger and insecurities, they cope in unintentionally destructive ways. Children become the casualties of their parents’ unresolved emotions.

If you find yourself creating any of these accidental injuries, please ask for help:

Robbing your children of their other parent. Sometimes it’s tempting to try to damage a child’s relationship with the other parent. This is referred to as Parental Alienation.

It hurts your child at least as much as it hurts your ex. Kids may nod in agreement with your accusations because they’re afraid to confront you. But on the inside, they’re likely to resent you for tainting the image of their other parent whose love they need and want.

Using your child to help you cope with your pain. Kids can be great listeners, and if you lean on them, they’ll try to double as friend and therapist. That’s because their own well-being depends on their parents’ ability to function and be present for them.

Taking care of their parents is far too much responsibility to place on kids. It robs them of a childhood where adults take care of them. Some kids take this role so seriously, they back out of their own social lives to be present for their parents.

Using your child as your eyes and voice. Kids experience unbearable stress when they have to serve as mediators of adult conflict. Find a means of communicating with your ex-spouse that doesn’t involve your children. Email can be helpful, and there are software programs that can take the back-and-forth conversation out of scheduling decisions.

Don’t ask your kids to report back to you about what’s going on in their other parent’s life. That demand places them under relentless pressure and forces them to be disloyal.

Misdirecting your anger onto your children. Kids are easy targets. They’re present and they’re vulnerable. Be careful not to let your frustration with your ex overflow into your interactions with your kids. They need your love and support – not your anger.

Competing for your children’s love. Sometimes it comes in the form of treats, gifts or outings; other times, it’s expressed in unrealistic promises.

Kids feel guilty when they demand and receive too much. They feel angry and unworthy when parents make promises and then don’t deliver. What they need and want far more than grand gestures is to be consistently appreciated and understood.

Remember: Stay true to the parent you want to be! Unconditional love and open communication are the best building blocks for a healthy parent-child relationship.