Divorce

Ages & Stages

Children at this age often become whiny and clingy. They may have difficulty separating from parents. Some experience difficulty sleeping and eating.

What you can do to help:
Maintain consistency in people and routines. Give lots of physical affection. Avoid fighting and angry outbursts in front of the baby.

18 months -3 years

Children this age may fear abandonment. They may be concerned with their own safety. Often their sleeping and eating habits regress; toileting habits as well. They may become more aggressive and are likely to become fearful and clingy with adults and security objects.

What you can do to help:
Show your love through words and gestures. Maintain consistency in people and routines. Provide clear and concrete explanations about changes, and opportunities to express their feelings through words and play. Avoid fighting and angry outbursts in front of your child.

Preschoolers (3-5 years)

Children this age may fear abandonment. They may doubt their lovability. (Did mommy or daddy leave because I’m not good enough?) They may experience regression in sleeping, eating, toileting, and/or talking. Sometimes they’ll become clingy or have difficulties separating. They may show stress by becoming more aggressive and/or less compliant.

What you can do to help:
Show your love through words and gestures. Maintain consistency in people and routines, and provide clear and concrete explanations when there are changes in their routine. Give children opportunities to express feelings through words and play. Avoid fighting and angry outbursts in front of your child.

Young School Age (6-8 years)

Children this age may yearn for the absent parent, or fantasize that their parents will get back together. They may feel loyalty conflicts or worry about a parent’s well-being. Some may feel they caused the divorce. Children often have pervasive sadness and grief over the divorce. They may cry or withdraw and fear they will lose their relationship with a parent or extended family. Their fears may make it difficult for them to play and or have fun. Until they adapt, they may struggle academically. Some children become more aggressive and angry than previously.

What you can do to help:
Show your love through words and gestures. Encourage them to spend time with their extended family, and with school and play activities. Continue your normal relationship with your child. Assure them they will be seeing both parents, if true. Let them know the divorce is not their fault, and that it’s an adult problem. Avoid degrading the other parent in front of your children; give them permission to love the other parent. Avoid fighting in front of your children, or putting them in the middle of adult disagreements.

Older School Age (9-12 years)

Often children this age view situations in extremes -- someone has to be right and wrong. As a result, they may have loyalty conflicts. They may also feel embarrassment or shame about the divorce. Some children experience physical complaints or intense anger. They may have problems with their friends and with school until they adapt to the changes in their lives.

What you can do to help:
Show your love through words and gestures. Listen without judgment to your child’s feelings and complaints, and avoid degrading the other parent. Provide opportunities for your child to talk with kids their age who’ve experienced divorce. Encourage them to spend time with their extended family and with school and play activities. Continue your normal relationship with your child. Assure them they’ll be seeing both parents, if true. Let them know the divorce is not their fault, and that it’s an adult problem. Avoid degrading the other parent in front of your children; give them permission to love the other parent. Avoid fighting in front of your children, or putting them in the middle of adult disagreements.

Adolescents (13-18 years)

Adolescents have more resources to understand divorce because of their greater social and intellectual development. Although kids this this age may focus more on friends then family, they still need parental support and guidance. A divorce can further threaten an already stormy parent-teen relationship. Teens often experience academic problems. Some begin acting out through risky behaviors like sexual promiscuity, delinquency, alcohol and drugs. Some teens will hold in their emotional distress and become depressed or, in some cases, suicidal. Many teens experience anxiety and fear about the future and the success of their own relationships.

What you can do to help:
Show your love through words and gestures. Let them know the divorce is not their fault, and that it’s an adult problem. Be honest but age appropriate with information. Avoid turning your teen into your confidant or partner, or asking her to choose sides. Allow your teen to maintain friendships and activities, and let him know you’re there to listen without judgment and provide support. Let them know you’ll get outside help for them if needed. Provide opportunities for them to talk with kids their age who’ve experienced divorce.