Emotional Intelligence

Strength-Based Approach

Parents serve a very important role in helping children develop emotional intelligence.

As a parent, you can be an emotional coach for your child. This helps you stay aware of and in touch with your child’s feelings.

When your child feels sad or angry, it helps if you recognize the feeling and reassure your child it’s OK to feel this way. Children need to know their feelings are real. Dismissing or criticizing their feelings can result in their not knowing what to do with them when they grow up.

You also serve as a support for your children, encouraging them and showing you love them unconditionally. For example, children may go through periods where they experience separation anxiety. To successfully manage these stages and feel more confident, children need to know you accept these feelings.

When you listen to your child and reflect what she’s said with understanding, you help her move beyond her anxiety. When children get support for their feelings, they grow into more confident people. The hugs you give your child when he’s sad are integral to his emotional development.

There’s another reason to embrace children’s feelings. When parents let children know their feelings are unacceptable (“You shouldn’t feel that way;” “You ought to be happy about it;” “Get over it”), they’re sending the message that an important part of who their children are – how they feel -- is unacceptable and needs to be suppressed.

This damages self-esteem and makes kids very uncertain about themselves.

By contrast, when parents accept and reflect a child’s feelings, she develops a solid sense of self (“This is who I am and how I feel”), allowing her to navigate her world with confidence.

You may ask, “How can I effectively discipline my child while supporting his emotions?”

The important distinction is between feelings and actions. Giving your child a hug and telling him it’s OK to feel sad (his feeling) doesn’t mean you have to give him that candy (your action) he begged for at the store. Giving her a hug and saying, “You really wanted that candy, and feel sad that you can’t have it” validates your child’s feelings.

After recognizing his feelings, validating them and supporting them, you may leave the store without the candy and offer alternatives instead. Is she hungry? You may suggest going home and having some healthy food (his favorite yogurt, for example).

Another example: Your daughter is angry and about to hit her brother because he messed up a project she was working hard on. As an emotional coach, you can let her know it’s OK to feel angry (her feeling) about the situation. You can empathize and let her know you’d feel angry, too, if it happened to you. If you can, share a story about a similar experience with your daughter.

At the same time, you must emphasize it’s not OK to hit (her action). As an emotional coach, you can give your daughter other ideas for handling the problem. One example? Walk away, take a deep breath to calm down, then come back and use her words. (See Children's Anger and Tantrums.)

The time and dedication you apply to learning and practicing emotional coaching will pay off. Being an emotional coach is similar to other kinds of coaching. If you want to teach your child soccer, you get in the game and work with him. If you want to see your child deal with her feelings, handle stress, and have healthy relationships, you don’t sit on the sidelines, shut down or ignore her emotions -- you stay present and teach her what to do.

Your strengths-based approach to developing emotional intelligence should:

Enhance your child’s self-esteem

• Avoid telling your child how she should feel;
• Validate painful feelings without making light of them;
• Teach your child what to do and how to problem-solve in the wake of his emotions;
• Provide opportunities to successfully handle situations.

Strengthen your relationship with your child

• Use your child’s experiences of emotion (positive or negative) as an opportunity to connect;
• Be sensitive and empathetic to your child’s emotions regardless of intensity;
• Respect your child’s emotions.

Use times of emotion with a sense of purpose

• Listen to your child;
• Help your child label the emotion she’s feeling;
• Show your child how to calm down and handle the emotion;
• Teach your child acceptable ways to express his emotions;
• Teach problem-solving skills.