Emotional Intelligence

Steps for Emotional Coaching

1. Maintain awareness of your child’s emotions. It can help if you pay close attention to your own emotions to better understand your child’s.
   
   Many factors contribute to children’s emotions, including developmental stages, temperament, and family dynamics. Remember: emotions come from somewhere! Children have reasons for the ways they feel – even when those reasons aren’t immediately clear to their parents. They can’t often put their feelings into words and certainly can’t do so the way adults can.
   What if they could?

   Three-year-old Tommy cries harder and harder, screaming that he doesn’t want to put his shoes on one morning to leave for daycare. Maybe what he’s saying is: “I’m sad I’m not spending time with you today. I’m also feeling tired and want a down day, watching TV and playing games.”

   Notice how your own reaction changes once you understand what your child is actually feeling.

2. Use emotions as opportunities to connect. You may find it liberating when you can differentiate between your child’s feelings and actions and your own.
   
   Once you’ve made this distinction, your children’s anger doesn’t have to be looked at as a way to challenge authority, or their sadness one more thing you must deal with.
   
   Instead, you can view these as opportunities to connect with your child. You can feel more comfortable when you give your frustrated child a hug, or spend time being with your sad child. You’re helping her – and that’s what parenting is all about.
   
   Providing this kind of support doesn’t preclude providing effective discipline. In fact, the reverse is true. When children feel understood and supported, they’re far less likely to provide discipline challenges.

   Let’s visit Tommy again, who’s sad and doesn’t want to put his shoes on. Here’s a typical thought-feeling-action sequence:
   
   Mom’s thought: “This kid is slowing me down. How am I going to get out the door on time?”
   
   Feeling: Anger
   
   Action: Mom’s focused on putting Tommy’s shoes on and getting himin the car. Tommy fights back, and a power struggle begins.

   How about this instead?

   Dad’s thought: “Sometimes it’s hard to get going in the morning. I need to comfort Tommy.”
   
   Feeling: Empathy
   
   Action: Dad sits Tommy on his lap and gives him a hug. “Are you feeling sad? I really enjoy my time with you, too. It’s hard to get up some days and get out the door.”
   
   In this version, Tommy’s dad validates his feelings and teaches him it’s OK to have them.

3. Listen and Validate.
   
   Success Key 1: There’s no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. Everyone has different perceptions and reactions to situations.
   
   Success Key 2: To respond helpfully, you need to understand how your child feels.
   
   By providing empathy for your children, you provide a more comfortable atmosphere for them to understand and handle their emotions. It’s important to listen carefully until you fully understand how they feel.

   In Tommy’s scenario, his parents may think Tommy feels angry because he’s throwing a tantrum. They may even project their feelings of frustration on him.
   
   They need to be able to listen to him in order to know Tommy’s feeling sad and tired. Although unhappiness can cause children to be uncooperative, so can excitement, distraction, and impatience. Helping your child sort this out is what developing EQ is all about.

   But what if he doesn’t have the words to say he’s sad?
   
   These tools that can be used to help your child express his feelings:
   
   
   • State your observations: “Tommy, you seem a little tired today.”
     
     
   • Share examples from your own life. “A couple of days ago, I felt so tired, and didn’t feel like going to work. I just wanted to stay in bed a little longer.”
     
     
4. Give the emotions words. When children have words to express their emotions, it makes the situation more normal and less overwhelming. Labeling emotions and empathizing with others are fundamental to emotional intelligence. When you can name a feeling, you can better help others understand you, and work through it.

   Helping Tommy understand he’s sad helps him put words to that feeling in the future. Perhaps the next time he has a day like that, he can tell his dad he feels sad and bypass the extra frustration of not feeling understood. That might be just enough to eliminate acting out his feelings in a tantrum.

5. Set and enforce limits. This is where emotional coaching and discipline come together.
   
   Discipline means to teach. The child’s lesson is to learn what he can – and can’t -- do with his feelings.
   
   State limits for your children by expressing acceptance of their feelings and limiting their behavior. “It’s OK to be angry, but not to hit!” “It’s OK to feel jealous, but not to call names.”

   Tommy doesn’t want to go to daycare. Mom and Dad, though, need to go to work, and that means Tommy needs to go. Just as his parents can’t stay home whenever they feel tired, Tommy can’t either. By understanding Tommy’s feelings (tired and sad at separating from his parents), his mom and dad can help him by making sure he gets to bed early that day and by spending some quality time with him when everyone gets home.

6. Problem-solve. After you have empathized and recognized your child’s emotion(s), it’s important to take this final step in developing your child’s EQ.
   
   Once he understands his emotions and knows it’s OK to feel the way he feels, he needs to know what to do.
   
   Here’s a framework for problem solving:
   
   
   • Define the problem. In Tommy’s case, he’d like to stay home.
     
     
   • Identify solutions. Plan some special time for later in the day or for a day off tomorrow, or ask Tommy to draw a picture of something he would like to do at daycare.
     
     
   • Match each solution against your family values. For example, perhaps you’re striving to make quality family time a priority in your home. Taking some time to spend with Tommy would fit well with this value.
     
     
   • For older kids: suggest they ask the following questions for each solution:
     
     
     • Is it safe?
     • Is it fair?
     • How will people feel?
     • Will it work?
       
       
   • Pick a solution and use it.
     
     
   • Re-evaluate and try another solution if the first was not successful.

Emotional coaching takes time, patience and practice. It can help to journal your successes and learning experiences.

In Tommy’s case, mom and dad may find emotional coaching helps him deal with his feelings better, producing a healthier, more confident child. Their mornings may also operate more smoothly. When successes add up, you build confidence in your child, yourself, and your parenting skills.

• “You feel pretty great about your science project!”
• "It’s exciting to try something brand new!”
• “Alissa must have felt so proud when the teacher praised her work!”
• “Tommy must have felt better when his mother understood why he was so sad.”

By connecting feelings of pride, excitement, and happiness to things they’ve done, children learn what makes them – and others – feel good. Once they know they feel proud when they work hard; excited when they take a successful risk; and safe and happy when they’re understood, they can choose to repeat those actions that result in good feelings.

They’ve begun to learn how to make both themselves and others feel great. That’s power!