Intentional Strength-Based Parenting

Connect With Your Child

Be fully present in the moment.

1. Capitalize on “teachable moments.” Family life provides scores of “teachable moments” every day. These are instants in time, joyful or painful, when your child is open to learning an important life lesson. The art is framing the lesson so that he ties his own actions to a result – and draws his own conclusions.
   
   For example, when your child:
   
   
   • Fails a test: “I feel awful when I’m unprepared.”
     
     
   • Starts a science project – the night before it’s due: “When I wait too long to start, I’m desperate over the deadline.”
     
     
   • Wins an award: “When I work hard, I can win.”
     
     
   • Warms her grandmother’s heart with a surprise visit: “When I share a little bit of myself with Grandma, she feels so happy.”
     
     
   • Makes it through a break-up with his girlfriend: “Even when something happens that makes me feel terrible, I can get through it and feel better.”

   It takes an empathic teacher and an absence of recrimination to help children learn from their experiences. If you can avoid casting blame and instead help your children connect the dots between their actions and outcomes, you’ll enable them to become more conscious and intentional about managing their own lives.
   
   Use “teachable moments” each day as opportunities to be your vision as a parent, and to teach, model, and coach your child in the values included in your vision for them.

2. Listen until you understand -- then check your understanding. When your children talk to you, try to be fully present -- physically and emotionally.
   
   With some kids you’ll connect best by getting down to their level, making eye contact, and putting aside other tasks. For others, that’s intimidating. Instead, take a drive together or work side-by-side in the kitchen or yard. They’ll feel assured of your presence without feeling pressured.
   
   Focused attention doesn’t have to happen in large blocks of time to make your child feel valued. Powerful, positive communication often occurs in a few moments.
   
   
3. Be Empathic
   
   
   • Take kids seriously and provide an anchoring presence when they’re overwhelmed. Strive to understand your children’s perspective instead of giving in to the impulse to correct their conclusions. Listen calmly. If you’re upset yourself, take a break and come back.
     
     The greater share of communication comes from body language and facial expressions -- not words. Let your child know you understand what she means by reflecting her real message.

     Dad: “What would you like for a snack today?”
     
     Child: (shrugs shoulders and frowns)
     
     Dad: (making gentle eye contact) “You seem kind of down in the dumps. What’s going on, kiddo?”

     Here, dad responds with empathy to his child’s real message rather than expressing frustration over her failure to answer his question.
     
     Likewise, keep in mind that your own nonverbal communication carries the greater part of your message. Show your interest by making eye contact, sitting down with your child, and avoiding interruptions.
     
     
   • Reflect feelings rather than correcting them. It’s more important to empathize than “fix.” Work to understand your children’s experiences. Instead of steering kids away from their feelings, accept them and listen with complete attention.
     
     When kids experience sadness, anger or fear, you may have the impulse to talk them out of or steer them away from it. Your anxiety that their unhappiness will eat them up -- or your own frustration -- may drive you to remind them they’ve got “lots to be thankful for” or it “could be worse,” or other expressions intended to distract them from their feelings.
     
     Instead of steering them away from their feelings, accept them and listen with complete attention. Keep listening until you fully understand their perceptions and feelings about their problem.
     What’s hurtful to kids – and why they may become so upset – isn’t always the frustration of not getting what they want. Their misery often has more to do with their pain at not being understood. The unspoken messages carried by your words -- sometimes without your own awareness -- can harm kids’ spirits and affect your relationship.
     
     For example, when you’re tired and your daughter asks you to chaperone a slumber party, the tone of your response might convey:
     
     
     • How dare you ask!
       
     • How selfish!
       
     • What you want is outrageous!
       
     • You’re so demanding!
       
     • Your needs drain me.

     It’s possible to say “no” to your child when you need to -- without all the negative messages -- by having empathy for yourself and your child.

     • Start by accepting the importance of your child’s request.
       
     • Accept your own limitations. It’s natural to be tired after a long week.
       
     • Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.
       
     • Acknowledge your desire to give your child what he wants – even when you can’t deliver it.